Something inside me broke last night, and I just wanted to stop trying to make this work, make it more than it is.

I can’t keep making this deeper than it is, to keep me alive, to keep me sane. And I’m not entirely mentally healthy.

Oh, I  want an old movie.

I dunno what else to write about.

Have a picture of a bat:

I don’t know how to feel about anything right now – its amazing how too much of a pill that is supposed to fix things ends up making you feel like crap because your doctor doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing.
No, I take that back – she does, just not for me.

…

Vigilantes out on dawn patrol
But now there’s nothing left to hide
I’m just a number on the metal fence
Which marks the great divide

Hey boy
Give your dreams a rest
If you’re tired of searching
This is where it ends
There’s nothing left to lose
Nothing to protest
Learn to love your anger now
Anger here is all you possess
Welcome to the age

Below the towers of the citadel
Seems someone overlooked the cost
Forgotten soldier of paradise
Now paradise is lost

Recognition never realized
Salvation lost among the crowd
So tell me beside this sterile sea
Where is your nation now?

And we say
Hey boy
Give your dreams a rest
If you’re tired of searching
This is where it ends
There’s nothing left to lose
Nothing to protest
Learn to love your anger now
Anger here is all you possess
Welcome to the edge

Edge of America © Duran Duran

And I know I’m having a hell of a time getting over you, and letting go, and truth is, I never expect either of these things to happen.

You just aren’t the man I fell in love with, not at all… And I want so badly just to  be with you, regardless – no, not even with you, just around you, at least be touched by you.

I know I can live without you, but now its setting in, and becoming more and more of a reality that you may not be in my life anymore.. and at first, I thought that would be fine, but I still feel like part of me needs you.

I just don’t know what to do, and I feel like there’s no way to get ahold of you now.

Did I fuck this up?

Truth is, yes, I still like you… a lot.
Not only that but gosh, am I protective of you.
I don’t even know why, I just want you to always be happy or at least content.
Sigh.

And fml, I just want this other man to reciprocate.

…

Rating:

I am visiting a family I don’t know. The mother in particular is very mean. They’re watching three films, and they’re all connected. It has Glenn Close in it, who then changes to a woman named Peggy Lee.

One of their relatives is interested in me, constantly texting me. He swings by the house and picks me up almost every night. He resembles a man I used to know – I think that he is this state’s “version” of that man. He works at an ice cream parlor.

When I am leaving the house, I have saved several items, including chicken, pudding and cookies, I think. Upon entering the kitchen, she is throwing EVERYTHING away. I scream at her that I was saving those and she says nothing.

When I arrive home to a distorted version of my house, there is a large pen with several mice and hamsters in it. I take note that quite a few are missing. I look over and see 10-15 cats. I grab and bright blue and green eyed cat and run off with it, despite its struggles to get free.

I return to the woman’s house, I assume, and it stays there with me, at least for a little while.

Additional Comments:

I remember imagery of refrigerators and groceries.

Its a mess of fall and spring. I am on horseback with five other people, they switch between people I know and do not. We approach a small hill of rocks, an urban legend surrounding it; if you ride on it, a woman and her horse appear, noone has ever been able to successfully take their picture. So I ride up onto the hill, and sure enough, she does. I take a picture and manage to have them both appear. I am not sure what happened to the picture or my friends after this.

Here, have a song recommendation:

(Inside of You, In Spite Of You. I HATE the video, but Thoushaltnot is hard to find.)
The White Beyond is also awesome, too.

PS. RIP Daniel’s long hair.

For the third time, I am trying to reset my sleep schedule through Concerta, which I take anyway for my ADHD. So I’m wide awake, because I laid in bed, and got to thinking about things, and decided to write them all down.

Towards the end of this year, and beginning somewhere around the summer, I decided that my career, my dreams are the most important thing in  my life, and I decided that noone will stand in my way (although I won’t walk over people) and no-one will take my freedom away. I am going to join the FBI, make a difference, and live in Scotland, just like I’ve always wanted.

I was talking to my grandfather last night, and I told him this, and how I love Kansas, and other states just don’t interest me, but other countries do. And he told me I hadn’t really been to any other states, and not to be so quick to say that.. and he’s right.. but I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than Scotland. I can’t.

Thomas stood me up for the second time, as in hanging out, and I’m done for now. Noone has stood me up and been that apathetic about it in a long time. And I won’t stand for it, I won’t be treated like that, no matter his excuse. I’m too good for it, for any of the shit he gives me.

I decided two days ago, I am going to apply to be a Playmate as soon as I feel the time is right. And I don’t see any shame in it, nothing wrong with it at all. I think Hugh Hefner is an awesome man. Call me crazy, but I think Playboy has earned women a lot of respect, especially when compared to smutty magazines.. because Playboy is about as classy as it gets, even if the women sometimes don’t have a lot going on their heads, to be blunt (I’m going off the few episodes of “The Girls Next Door” so feel free to call me out on that – but I love Holly.) Regardless, I think it would be so awesome.

On a completely unrelated note, I must admit, my music taste has changed drastically: from Manson, Nightwish and Slipknot to Chris Isaak, Genesis and Elton John. It feels weird, and I still listen to my “dark” music, but more often than not, Mr. Isaak is ringing in my ears.

I bought my first Duran Duran album today, although I’ve been a fan for four years now..? Something like that.
I feel like a better person, silly enough.  The Wedding Album. It is called that because it has no real title, but the cover has pictures of all the band members’ parents at their wedding!
Truth be told, Medazzaland is my favorite album, but it wasn’t in stock, so I took what I could get. (Come Undone is the best song on TWA, to me and one of my favorite DD songs).

I also went through my DeviantART today, and deleted some really old, dumb poetry I wrote when I thought Luca wasn’t in love with me. It felt nice, but sad at the same time, though it was really crappy poetry. I strive so hard to keep that friendship alive, even if I don’t love him romantically anymore just because he is such a huge part of me. We don’t talk about anything of importance, but I like knowing we’re friends and that we’ve got each other. I never really cut ties.

And I can’t think of anything else.