Dreams of Mars

For all the shit I was told about my most recent ex today.
Your loyalties should lie with me.
Loyalties are the most important thing in the world to me.

Today.
Today I was told that he is a liar, a manipulator, a thief.
I was aware of none of this except the liar bit.
And I forgave it.

My standards will never slip that far ever again.
I promise that to myself, swear it to my heart.
I will never, ever, ever let myself be buried like that.
You will not suffocate me with your bullshit.
Not now, not ever.

Do I mean so FUCKING LITTLE to you, that you would let me date someone like that?
That you would let them cheat on and lie to me?
And the only thing you tell me, your only words of caution?
“Don’t move too fast with Eddie.”

I forgave you when you chose to hide the truth from me.
And it bothered me immensely.
‘What else could you be fucking me over with?’

For today.
For today I found out everything I needed to know.
That you refer to me as “a good kid”?
For some reason, that bothers me.

I do not need you in my life anymore.
Suffocating me.
Making me feel like shit.
Coaxing me.

Blame everything on starburst eyes and my people-pleasing ways.
It was his insistence that got us into this mess.

This is not a game I will play.
I follow rules, I play fair.
You were my drug; I depended upon you.

The only person who has smashed my heart more, and fucked my mind; fucked my skull, is her. She wasn’t worth it either. And she and I, we had a thousand more amazing memories than you and I ever will. The physical suffering was minimal; the emotional and mental torture was exhausting; but she was fun, and I loved her.

No person who dares fuck with my head, let alone my heart, is worth my time.

Remember.

I am overreacting. But I don’t care.

So. I’m listening to Richard Marx and I realize .. that all blog posts are is what’s going on in my head right now.. and I’ve got about an hour and 28 minutes to write this post.. and I’m sitting in the car.. on my way to Wichita.. so they can tell me how messed up I am and how many more meds I need. Hooray! Hooray for sarcasm! Hooray for pointless hoorays! Hooray for hoorays that reference themselves!…

I miss Erika a whole fucking lot right now. I wish I could be talking to her and listening to her wonderful voice. I am so excited that we will be moved in together next year – everything will be perfect, and I think we’ll always be in love. It’ll be amazing, absolutely.

On another note, a darker note, I am deathly afraid I am falling in love with my best guy-friend… real life-wise, anyway… But, I don’t think it would be so bad, as I’m already infatuated with him.. and I see no chance of a relationship with him, but casual dating would be nice.

I have already decided I would like to temporarily be his submissive, just to sate my desire for a while..
Thank God for all the big things that makes a relationship with him so unappealing, for they save my sanity.

Have you ever seen the film The Dead Girl? Its one of my favorites… Brittany Murphy, Giovanni Ribisi, Josh Brolin, although those last two have bit roles.
Its freaking amazing, and I suggest you see it. Its about a dead girl, of course, and is broken into five parts. Its very different from other films I’ve seen, but reminicent of American Gun. That might be because Marcia Gay Harden is in both, but I digress. I’ll write a review sometime.

Oh, and I saw Hatchet earlier. I think I would buy it. Very funny, had a very classic feel to it. It was supposed to be a revival of the slasher genre, and I think it accomplished that, as best it could, without being too over the top. I missed any scenes with Robert or Tony, which were my motivation for wanting to see the film.. MY TWO FAVORITE HORROR ACTORS TOGETHER IN A HORROR FILM!!!
(Well, Robert is my all-time favorite, but whatever. lol)

That’s it for now, Mars!

Make it easy, make this easy.

My heart is a fickle mess – a muddled, fickle mess.
As all Geminis are supposed to be..
It makes me restless, frustrated, and I’m not sure what, or whom, I want, really.
Maybe once someone captures my heart – yet again – it’ll be easier.

I had a dream about you; you saved my life.
You loved me. Its terrible, just awful, to think about.
Maybe one day, I’ll end up with someone like you.

You called the other day, and we kinda made plans?
So thanks for not answering the phone.
But you’re a busy guy, I totally understand.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.
There’s room inside for two and I’m not grieving for you,
I’m coming for you.

I’m bored with this post already.