Dreams of Mars

Our eyes met, and you didn’t smile, you didn’t speak, you didn’t move closer.. away, away you moved.
I kept thinking, hoping you’d come back and talk to me.. and you didn’t.. and in that moment, I felt a small part of my heart crack, I really, honestly, literally did. It hurt so much, and I was left to stare.

You can’t leave my life the way you did, and come back, and expect me to be happy about it.
Neither of us are the same people we were four years ago.
We will never be.

And as much as I miss you..
My life is better off without you, as is my heart.
It hurts me to say that, but I need to.
I can lie and say I don’t miss you at all,
but chances are, I probably always will.
Miss the person you used to be.

Because when we’re around each other now,
even on good terms,
it still hurts me.

I hope you realize that I don’t hate, or even dislike, you.
(I just don’t know what to say anymore.)

I can’t shake these feelings; and I have them constantly anyway, but they’re so intense now.

maybe I’m not ready for this…
or just you…

I think this was a mistake.
although I may be comfortable with it now…
you could be right about the too attached thing.

I’m really worried about myself now; where will this lead?

Time, my actions will tell.

I hurt, so much.

I hate how I can never say goodbye.

It has little to do with this post, other than I’m listening to it as I wrap this up, but here’s your dose of imeem for the night:

I find I notice small details.
An eyelash that isn’t straight, rather tilting. Then I have to pull it out, because what else am I going to do? Its imperfect and surely someone will notice it.

They’re never significant, not even to me. Just to the point where I actually notice them and pay obsession to them. If i don’t pull that eyelash out, i’ll get fidgety and freak out.

Or, hey, this eye is smaller.
This cheekbone is lower.
This side of my jawline is less defined.
My bottom teeth are crooked.

Ask someone?

“No, you’re fine.”
“No, its not.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“You have such perfect teeth.”

So what’s wrong?
I think I don’t see myself correctly, because everything is flawed. Everything.
Nothing on me is even. Something has to be wrong, and it has to be in my head.

Or.

“Are you a tea junkie?”
OH SHIT! HE’S GONNA TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY

“I like that scarf.”
OH FUCK! I LIKE HER OTHER ONES TOO. WHAT WILL SHE SAY?

You look really nice today.
HE’S GONNA THINK I THINK HE’S UGLY EVERY OTHER DAY!

Does everyone notice little flaws?
Does everyone evaluate what they say so heavily?

Oh, how about..

“I really like that shirt, Jen.”
No, you don’t.

“That eyeliner looks good on you.”
What? Its smeared to hell.

“You have nice eyes.”
No, I don’t.

“I like your taste in music.”
No, you’re just saying that.

“I love you.”
You don’t mean it.

I’m so sick of this, honestly.

I don’t want to question everything.

I don’t want to blame everything on myself.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I wish I knew what to do.
I’m overreacting and being paranoid.
Definitely.

I feel angry and sick at myself for writing this.
I don’t even want to.
I really don’t.
And I wish I didn’t have to.

I’m insane.
I’m losing my mind.
I wish I could just give up and die.
And that sounds so “emo” or whatever the hell they call it now.
I feel like a horrible person, but I won’t kill myself.
I’m to the the point, where I just don’t care.
I just want to give up and waste away.

She’s trying so hard to make everything work.
And I love her so much, and i’m staying here for her.
I wish she knew how much I need her right now.
I’m ungrateful.

I don’t want to be selfish.
I don’t want to cause anyone any pain by leaving them.
Suicide is for the weak, the selfish.
It isn’t something I would do.
But I honestly just.. don’t care what happens anymore.

How do I run away when everything is based around you?
Now I understand why you told me not to.
Because when you leave, everything comes crashing down.
A pillar that can’t take this anymore.
I wish you could have, because you meant the world to me.

Darling, this is insanity.

“If it sounds too good to be true, chances are, it is.”
Does that apply to love, as well?

I am so messed up right now.

… Thanks medication.

Well, admittedly, that last post was quite the downer.
I feel a bit better, actually. I dunno…

I feel like I got a lot of stuff out, stuff that I’d been keeping bottled up.
Some of it seems rather obvious, but…

I miss Kris, and I think about calling him, and apologizing.
But I don’t remember his number. I never memorized it.
I pushed him out when he needed me the most, and yet he was still able to yell at me for always closing him out when I was hurting.

I had the nerve to call him selfish and arrogant, but he was willing to put aside his pain for awhile and listen to me, and I wouldn’t let him.

Yet…
Call me crazy, but maybe I just don’t like being the 5th girl in your line-up, and feeling like a last resort.

Still, I pushed a really nice guy out of my life, and I won’t ever get him back.
Unless he decides to apologize, and calls me up randomly.

But her… I don’t miss her, at all. Too much fighting, too much drama.
She was blind to her own faults, but quick to criticize mine.
Everything was so.. black and white. I didn’t like it.

So dear journal, tell me, how many people have I pushed away?
There’s almost no-one left.

And soon, i’ll have to push him away, too.
I can’t keep lying.

Dammit Jen, get a fucking backbone.