How can I keep up this breathing?
Listening to Blue October will probably always remind me partially of Ryan, and that’s alright with me, not exactly who I want to think of, but he’s the one that introduced me to them about four years ago.
Its weird how I measure my life through my online friends. For example:
Ages 12-15 are mostly Luca. They’re obsessive, painful, full of shock value and angst ridden poetry. They’re sprinkled with elated feelings and floating on clouds, and much tears and some blood. Various therapy appointments, and even a trip to a mental hospital.
Although 13-14 is also full of Laura, Crystal (my first gay relationship, albeit online) and Melanie. Thinking of them almost always makes me reminiscence. Its also around this time I came out of the closet, and my mind was almost exclusively focused on females.
15-17 is also mostly Sean. They’re when I started to realize that I didn’t need Luca, and that he wasn’t my entire world, and yes, I was capable of loving another male, if only platonically. Its about this time I started realizing how fucking awesome I really am, and how Luca had been dragging me down.
Sean also helped me with various flaws, and brought me back to earth.
Its funny because since then, I only really talk to Sean and Melanie, when I can. Both lead very busy lives. Luca I still talk to from time to time (read: once a week), but he’s certainly not the man I fell for. Its highly upsetting, in a way. I never expect people to change.
Which brings me to another point: That is why it was so fucking hard and excruciating to give up Rachel, and deal with our friendship falling apart. I did not accept or acknowledge the fact that people change drastically in a very short time. It was something that never crossed my mind.
Back to Blue October! “Hate Me” will probably always make me think of my mother. It was probably always be dedicated to her. I treated her very terribly, I know, and I can never make up for it. I will live with this guilt forever, and that’s fine, because I deserve nothing but.
I will always be full of regret on that hand, despite my insistence that “I can never regret, I can feel sorrow, but its not the same thing.” Which is actually a quote from The Last Unicorn. I cannot deceive myself often, however I doubt I will ever stop saying that when asked if I have regrets. I have many more than anyone should ever have to deal with. (At least for my age.)
Today I thought about him. And I realized I could never be happy with him. And I say I’m over him, and I don’t want him, and I don’t. I just don’t know why its so hard for me to forget about him completely. Just push him out of my mind. Stop worrying about how well he doing, if he’s happy, if he’s happy with someone. Its very frustrating.
If I could, I would forget so many things. But then, I worry about who I’d be without some of those people in my life.
I mean, without Luca – shit, there’d be no Poison Ivy in my life, no Cradle of Filth (well, later on, I’m sure.) Some other important, very Jen stuff. I think that’s why I love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so much.
Today I came up with my theory of how Marilyn Monroe died:
-When doing the autopsy, it was revealed that there was no way Marilyn ingested the pills. They were done through rectal means.
-She loved getting enemas. No, I’m serious. Her housekeeper administered them.
-The housekeeper and Monroe did not like each other.
-Therefore, the housekeeper totally did it.
Although, this doesn’t explain anything to do with the JFK conspiracies – But, I don’t think they’d gotten around to it yet. Ha.
( Read this: http://www.everlasting-star.net/miner.php )
Hold me now, I need to feel complete. Like I matter to the one I need.
I’m so afraid of the gift you give me.
I don’t belong here, and I’m not well.
-Seether, The Gift.
I miss dream journaling. I miss it a whole fucking lot.
I can never remember my dreams anymore.
I think I’ll have a South Park marathon tonight.
That sounds nice.
If I don’t pass the fuck out first.
Tonight, I watched the third Nightmare on Elm Street film.
Its the first Freddy film I ever saw, actually. It reminds me of my mommy and stepdaddy, because they were both like, “Freddy is awesome! You must watch this.” at the the tender age of nine. Little did my mother know what she was getting me into …
(That chick with the mohawk is sexy – I wish her and Freddy would make out. But I guess needles in your arms is just as hot.)
I hallucinate bugs all the time now. Its a little ridiculous. Thankfully I don’t see them in my food, but I see butterflies on my shower curtain a lot. (I think Anthony Hopkins is trying to tell me something.)
I’m exhausted.