Dreams of Mars

It is the new year! and with it, a blog post to cleanse my soul and mind.

For the third time, I am trying to reset my sleep schedule through Concerta, which I take anyway for my ADHD. So I’m wide awake, because I laid in bed, and got to thinking about things, and decided to write them all down.

Towards the end of this year, and beginning somewhere around the summer, I decided that my career, my dreams are the most important thing in  my life, and I decided that noone will stand in my way (although I won’t walk over people) and no-one will take my freedom away. I am going to join the FBI, make a difference, and live in Scotland, just like I’ve always wanted.

I was talking to my grandfather last night, and I told him this, and how I love Kansas, and other states just don’t interest me, but other countries do. And he told me I hadn’t really been to any other states, and not to be so quick to say that.. and he’s right.. but I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than Scotland. I can’t.

Thomas stood me up for the second time, as in hanging out, and I’m done for now. Noone has stood me up and been that apathetic about it in a long time. And I won’t stand for it, I won’t be treated like that, no matter his excuse. I’m too good for it, for any of the shit he gives me.

I decided two days ago, I am going to apply to be a Playmate as soon as I feel the time is right. And I don’t see any shame in it, nothing wrong with it at all. I think Hugh Hefner is an awesome man. Call me crazy, but I think Playboy has earned women a lot of respect, especially when compared to smutty magazines.. because Playboy is about as classy as it gets, even if the women sometimes don’t have a lot going on their heads, to be blunt (I’m going off the few episodes of “The Girls Next Door” so feel free to call me out on that – but I love Holly.) Regardless, I think it would be so awesome.

On a completely unrelated note, I must admit, my music taste has changed drastically: from Manson, Nightwish and Slipknot to Chris Isaak, Genesis and Elton John. It feels weird, and I still listen to my “dark” music, but more often than not, Mr. Isaak is ringing in my ears.

I bought my first Duran Duran album today, although I’ve been a fan for four years now..? Something like that.
I feel like a better person, silly enough.  The Wedding Album. It is called that because it has no real title, but the cover has pictures of all the band members’ parents at their wedding!
Truth be told, Medazzaland is my favorite album, but it wasn’t in stock, so I took what I could get. (Come Undone is the best song on TWA, to me and one of my favorite DD songs).

I also went through my DeviantART today, and deleted some really old, dumb poetry I wrote when I thought Luca wasn’t in love with me. It felt nice, but sad at the same time, though it was really crappy poetry. I strive so hard to keep that friendship alive, even if I don’t love him romantically anymore just because he is such a huge part of me. We don’t talk about anything of importance, but I like knowing we’re friends and that we’ve got each other. I never really cut ties.

And I can’t think of anything else. :sleepy:

So, life is good, I rarely post in here – or anywhere, for that matter, but regardless, I have a few Facebook notes to import later on.

I had a Halloween party and it went spectacularly. I was a bat, a costume I’d been wanting about three or four years now. I meant to be Poison Ivy, but the dress ended up looking like a curtain on me. Arkham Asylum Ivy will probably be my choice for next year’s. Anyway, we ate cupcakes, pizza and of course candy, watched Feast, an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and The Ring.

Recently, I’ve started talking to a guy, and he’s really freaking awesome. (And I’m not just saying that because I intend to have him read this!) But really, he brightens up my e-life (and probably RL, truth be told), and we click pretty damn well, which is a rare occurrence for me. Just wanted to give him a quick shout-out!

I don’t know that I have much else to say other than the “boyfriend” that is scattered through out the first page or so of this blog and I have dissolved our relationship and I am in the process of deliberately destroying the friendship. I hope to never, ever get with a boy like that again, because abuse that is disguised is the worst kind there is.

I want to cleanse Mars of him, because he has tainted what used to save my sanity.

Consider this your baptism.
(Free of all religous context, of course. :kawaii:
…though I do wonder if that even makes sense?
Well, it does in my vocab!)

And I’m out! :heart:

Everything I’ve planned on for the past year or so just came crumbling down. And that’s cool, that’s fine, its what happens when I plan my life with someone.

Its not like he hasn’t crushed my heart a thousand times. And once, has he apologized. I realize I am much too bitter about the pain he has caused me, but I can’t let it go, because he never gives me the chance.

I have come to the conclusion that I’m autosexual or a romanticist with men, and everything with women.
I like that, I like it a lot. And I always knew it would come to this, I’ve always known myself to be gaygaygay.

And I regret every time I’ve been with a male, I really do. I am disgusted with myself for it, and I wish I could forget every experience I’ve ever had.

On the other hand, when I see a ‘pretty’ boy, I want to touch him, and hug him, and tell him sweet things, but I don’t want to kiss him on the mouth, or have sex with him… I just want to love him.

Why is life so complicated?