I don’t know how to feel about anything right now – its amazing how too much of a pill that is supposed to fix things ends up making you feel like crap because your doctor doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing.
No, I take that back – she does, just not for me.

…

For the third time, I am trying to reset my sleep schedule through Concerta, which I take anyway for my ADHD. So I’m wide awake, because I laid in bed, and got to thinking about things, and decided to write them all down.

Towards the end of this year, and beginning somewhere around the summer, I decided that my career, my dreams are the most important thing in  my life, and I decided that noone will stand in my way (although I won’t walk over people) and no-one will take my freedom away. I am going to join the FBI, make a difference, and live in Scotland, just like I’ve always wanted.

I was talking to my grandfather last night, and I told him this, and how I love Kansas, and other states just don’t interest me, but other countries do. And he told me I hadn’t really been to any other states, and not to be so quick to say that.. and he’s right.. but I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than Scotland. I can’t.

Thomas stood me up for the second time, as in hanging out, and I’m done for now. Noone has stood me up and been that apathetic about it in a long time. And I won’t stand for it, I won’t be treated like that, no matter his excuse. I’m too good for it, for any of the shit he gives me.

I decided two days ago, I am going to apply to be a Playmate as soon as I feel the time is right. And I don’t see any shame in it, nothing wrong with it at all. I think Hugh Hefner is an awesome man. Call me crazy, but I think Playboy has earned women a lot of respect, especially when compared to smutty magazines.. because Playboy is about as classy as it gets, even if the women sometimes don’t have a lot going on their heads, to be blunt (I’m going off the few episodes of “The Girls Next Door” so feel free to call me out on that – but I love Holly.) Regardless, I think it would be so awesome.

On a completely unrelated note, I must admit, my music taste has changed drastically: from Manson, Nightwish and Slipknot to Chris Isaak, Genesis and Elton John. It feels weird, and I still listen to my “dark” music, but more often than not, Mr. Isaak is ringing in my ears.

I bought my first Duran Duran album today, although I’ve been a fan for four years now..? Something like that.
I feel like a better person, silly enough.  The Wedding Album. It is called that because it has no real title, but the cover has pictures of all the band members’ parents at their wedding!
Truth be told, Medazzaland is my favorite album, but it wasn’t in stock, so I took what I could get. (Come Undone is the best song on TWA, to me and one of my favorite DD songs).

I also went through my DeviantART today, and deleted some really old, dumb poetry I wrote when I thought Luca wasn’t in love with me. It felt nice, but sad at the same time, though it was really crappy poetry. I strive so hard to keep that friendship alive, even if I don’t love him romantically anymore just because he is such a huge part of me. We don’t talk about anything of importance, but I like knowing we’re friends and that we’ve got each other. I never really cut ties.

And I can’t think of anything else.

I believe in reincarnation, but I do not believe in a second human life.
I think that’s been my problem for a long time.
“If I screw up in this life, I get a second chance.”
And I might, but I’m not taking any chances.

I want to take control of my life, because I feel it spiraling away from me so quickly.
And I feel like I shouldn’t worry about this when I’m eighteen, but perhaps that’s part of my problem.
I aspire highly, and I always have. I always have had very grand ideas for myself.
(Aside from my housewife fantasies, but I digress. Perhaps that was my subconscious being lazy.)

Forgive my romanticism, but I just want to be in her arms. I feel like everything will be okay, then.
I wish she’d see how much I love her… How much it pains me to see her with guys, with anyone but me. And I know its hypocritical of me, but I feel little for mine. Concern, but not even infatuation. To hear her still talk about him, and I understand why she does, I do completely. I just wish I could heal her pain, and complete her in the ways the men seem to. And she reassures me, all the time, but there are these words glaring back at me like angry eyes… I just want this to be pure, just us… Forgive me for being jealous, controlling even… I know she wouldn’t appreciate it, because I don’t think I would from her. I’m not sure.
Men are just so unattractive half the time, and I’m tired of this.

Yet, he seems to have every key to my heart. He keeps me from ‘slipping too far’. And God, how I adore him, want to make him happy.. and still, I don’t think I could do it.. with his desire for a strong woman, a woman that doesn’t hurt like I do, love like I do, especially. For my love is so intense at times, but he makes me feel so beautiful, so unreal. And I know it would never last, because we’re two different people.. who seem made for each other in my eyes… and that’s what it is… he is my ideal.. but an exaggeration, a lie… one that I can’t reveal until I can touch him.

And this other male… The one who haunts my dreams almost every night… who makes my heart ache with every word.. whom I can never hold, never have.. and I’m coming to terms with it, very slowly, very painfully. Its taken me four years to get this far.. and when I see him, my stomach turns and my heart flutters.. and I want so badly to forget his name, face, his laugh, his hugs.. the comfort… I won’t ask myself why he doesn’t want me, because it isn’t worth it. It is honestly his loss, if he wants to end up with the girls he does, then so be it.. I need to move on, and still it will take time, but maybe this void in my heart can be filled.

Maybe.

I have hope.

But you, you confuse me.
I wish I could simplify our friendship, but it never satisfies me.
Whatever, I’m content with this for now.

Sometime in July, I want to have a party!
And then I can see all my friends I miss.
And it will be grand.

Spongebob is on my TV.
That’s fun.

I need to go shopping.
And get a job.
Maybe job and then shopping works better.
I think so.
Its hard to go shopping when you have five bucks to your name.

God, I love life.
Lovelovelovelovelovelove to all I tagged.

:)
I feel so happy.
Hooray happy.
Too bad its such a fleeting feeling.
No, I won’t cling to it for long.

So, my aunt brought by a ton of R.L. Stine books, among various other horror authors.. like Christopher Pike.
So, I’ve been reading way too much Fear Street lately. But its such a nice thing to be away from the dreary, unfortunate world of V.C. Andrews’ novels. As much as I love them.

Why don’t we talk to the dead?

On the inside,
I am empty.
There is so much pain inside me.
I lie, lie, lie.
Everything hurts.
Waking is such a struggle.
I wish I didn’t.
Life should not be like this.
I just want to be happy; to be wonderful.

My heart hurts, and has never begun to heal.
Not until she’s in my arms,
then we can start over.

Mister, I should thank you for shattering my heart,
and infecting my mind with unrealistic expectation.
Fuck you, goddamn!
I should have expected this,
because if it doesn’t end in fire,
it ends in ember.

I feel slightly unstable, and sick to my stomach.
I know why, but its not for your ears.

Sometimes I think people would take me more seriously if I’d been addicted to drugs.
It seems that gets you much respect in this town, to be a recovering addict.
That’s pathetic.

I am realizing that I really do hate it here. I want to get out.
Anyone want to move to Manhattan with Erika and I? lol
Fuckin’ expensive man.

I am starting to resent my housewife/submissive nature.
It will be the death of me.
To say that I would let anyone slap me around? (Still, I’d take it over being cheated on.)
I don’t know about that anymore.

Also, I am disgusted with you.
You are the kind of person I hate most.
I hate men who cheat, or even think of it.
To think you were my whole world, once upon a time.

I miss Sam.
And Erika and Sean.
A whole lot.

So where were the spiders?
Ohhh David <3
I would be dead without you.

My aunt and I are going to watch horror movies soon. I am excited!
She is so much like me.
It makes me sad that I am just now realizing this, and she’s leaving to Alaska on the 26th.
That’s how life works, I guess.

I think I’m done here. Have a nice night. :)

Its weird how I measure my life through my online friends. For example:
Ages 12-15 are mostly Luca. They’re obsessive, painful, full of shock value and angst ridden poetry. They’re sprinkled with elated feelings and floating on clouds, and much tears and some blood. Various therapy appointments, and even a trip to a mental hospital.

Although 13-14 is also full of Laura, Crystal (my first gay relationship, albeit online) and Melanie. Thinking of them almost always makes me reminiscence. Its also around this time I came out of the closet, and my mind was almost exclusively focused on females.

15-17 is also mostly Sean. They’re when I started to realize that I didn’t need Luca, and that he wasn’t my entire world, and yes, I was capable of loving another male, if only platonically. Its about this time I started realizing how fucking awesome I really am, and how Luca had been dragging me down.
Sean also helped me with various flaws, and brought me back to earth.

Its funny because since then, I only really talk to Sean and Melanie, when I can. Both lead very busy lives. Luca I still talk to from time to time (read: once a week), but he’s certainly not the man I fell for. Its highly upsetting, in a way. I never expect people to change.

Which brings me to another point: That is why it was so fucking hard and excruciating to give up Rachel, and deal with our friendship falling apart. I did not accept or acknowledge the fact that people change drastically in a very short time. It was something that never crossed my mind.

Back to Blue October! “Hate Me” will probably always make me think of my mother. It was probably always be dedicated to her. I treated her very terribly, I know, and I can never make up for it. I will live with this guilt forever, and that’s fine, because I deserve nothing but.

I will always be full of regret on that hand, despite my insistence that “I can never regret, I can feel sorrow, but its not the same thing.” Which is actually a quote from The Last Unicorn. I cannot deceive myself often, however I doubt I will ever stop saying that when asked if I have regrets. I have many more than anyone should ever have to deal with. (At least for my age.)

Today I thought about him. And I realized I could never be happy with him. And I say I’m over him, and I don’t want him, and I don’t. I just don’t know why its so hard for me to forget about him completely. Just push him out of my mind. Stop worrying about how well he doing, if he’s happy, if he’s happy with someone. Its very frustrating.

If I could, I would forget so many things. But then, I worry about who I’d be without some of those people in my life.
I mean, without Luca – shit, there’d be no Poison Ivy in my life, no Cradle of Filth (well, later on, I’m sure.) Some other important, very Jen stuff. I think that’s why I love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so much.

Today I came up with my theory of how Marilyn Monroe died:
-When doing the autopsy, it was revealed that there was no way Marilyn ingested the pills. They were done through rectal means.
-She loved getting enemas. No, I’m serious. Her housekeeper administered them.
-The housekeeper and Monroe did not like each other.
-Therefore, the housekeeper totally did it.
Although, this doesn’t explain anything to do with the JFK conspiracies – But, I don’t think they’d gotten around to it yet. Ha.
( Read this: http://www.everlasting-star.net/miner.php )

Hold me now, I need to feel complete. Like I matter to the one I need.
I’m so afraid of the gift you give me.
I don’t belong here, and I’m not well.
-Seether, The Gift.

I miss dream journaling. I miss it a whole fucking lot.
I can never remember my dreams anymore.

I think I’ll have a South Park marathon tonight.
That sounds nice.
If I don’t pass the fuck out first.

Tonight, I watched the third Nightmare on Elm Street film.
Its the first Freddy film I ever saw, actually. It reminds me of my mommy and stepdaddy, because they were both like, “Freddy is awesome! You must watch this.” at the the tender age of nine. Little did my mother know what she was getting me into …
(That chick with the mohawk is sexy – I wish her and Freddy would make out. But I guess needles in your arms is just as hot.)

I hallucinate bugs all the time now. Its a little ridiculous. Thankfully I don’t see them in my food, but I see butterflies on my shower curtain a lot. (I think Anthony Hopkins is trying to tell me something.)

I’m exhausted.

I don’t think this post will be very long.
I feel very tired.

I adore you, and I’ll write more on that later, albeit a protected post.

Needless to say, we will never know what was in that magical, inspiring blog post.

EDIT: Found it. I had saved it in a text file. I guess I am brilliant after all!
See ‘My memory plays out to the same old song.’