Dreams of Mars

Listening to Blue October will probably always remind me partially of Ryan, and that’s alright with me, not exactly who I want to think of, but he’s the one that introduced me to them about four years ago.

Its weird how I measure my life through my online friends. For example:
Ages 12-15 are mostly Luca. They’re obsessive, painful, full of shock value and angst ridden poetry. They’re sprinkled with elated feelings and floating on clouds, and much tears and some blood. Various therapy appointments, and even a trip to a mental hospital.

Although 13-14 is also full of Laura, Crystal (my first gay relationship, albeit online) and Melanie. Thinking of them almost always makes me reminiscence. Its also around this time I came out of the closet, and my mind was almost exclusively focused on females.

15-17 is also mostly Sean. They’re when I started to realize that I didn’t need Luca, and that he wasn’t my entire world, and yes, I was capable of loving another male, if only platonically. Its about this time I started realizing how fucking awesome I really am, and how Luca had been dragging me down.
Sean also helped me with various flaws, and brought me back to earth.

Its funny because since then, I only really talk to Sean and Melanie, when I can. Both lead very busy lives. Luca I still talk to from time to time (read: once a week), but he’s certainly not the man I fell for. Its highly upsetting, in a way. I never expect people to change.

Which brings me to another point: That is why it was so fucking hard and excruciating to give up Rachel, and deal with our friendship falling apart. I did not accept or acknowledge the fact that people change drastically in a very short time. It was something that never crossed my mind.

Back to Blue October! “Hate Me” will probably always make me think of my mother. It was probably always be dedicated to her. I treated her very terribly, I know, and I can never make up for it. I will live with this guilt forever, and that’s fine, because I deserve nothing but.

I will always be full of regret on that hand, despite my insistence that “I can never regret, I can feel sorrow, but its not the same thing.” Which is actually a quote from The Last Unicorn. I cannot deceive myself often, however I doubt I will ever stop saying that when asked if I have regrets. I have many more than anyone should ever have to deal with. (At least for my age.)

Today I thought about him. And I realized I could never be happy with him. And I say I’m over him, and I don’t want him, and I don’t. I just don’t know why its so hard for me to forget about him completely. Just push him out of my mind. Stop worrying about how well he doing, if he’s happy, if he’s happy with someone. Its very frustrating.

If I could, I would forget so many things. But then, I worry about who I’d be without some of those people in my life.
I mean, without Luca – shit, there’d be no Poison Ivy in my life, no Cradle of Filth (well, later on, I’m sure.) Some other important, very Jen stuff. I think that’s why I love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so much.

Today I came up with my theory of how Marilyn Monroe died:
-When doing the autopsy, it was revealed that there was no way Marilyn ingested the pills. They were done through rectal means.
-She loved getting enemas. No, I’m serious. Her housekeeper administered them.
-The housekeeper and Monroe did not like each other.
-Therefore, the housekeeper totally did it.
Although, this doesn’t explain anything to do with the JFK conspiracies – But, I don’t think they’d gotten around to it yet. Ha.
( Read this: http://www.everlasting-star.net/miner.php )

Hold me now, I need to feel complete. Like I matter to the one I need.
I’m so afraid of the gift you give me.
I don’t belong here, and I’m not well.
-Seether, The Gift.

I miss dream journaling. I miss it a whole fucking lot.
I can never remember my dreams anymore.

I think I’ll have a South Park marathon tonight.
That sounds nice.
If I don’t pass the fuck out first.

Tonight, I watched the third Nightmare on Elm Street film.
Its the first Freddy film I ever saw, actually. It reminds me of my mommy and stepdaddy, because they were both like, “Freddy is awesome! You must watch this.” at the the tender age of nine. Little did my mother know what she was getting me into …
(That chick with the mohawk is sexy – I wish her and Freddy would make out. But I guess needles in your arms is just as hot.)

I hallucinate bugs all the time now. Its a little ridiculous. Thankfully I don’t see them in my food, but I see butterflies on my shower curtain a lot. (I think Anthony Hopkins is trying to tell me something.)

I’m exhausted.

For all the shit I was told about my most recent ex today.
Your loyalties should lie with me.
Loyalties are the most important thing in the world to me.

Today.
Today I was told that he is a liar, a manipulator, a thief.
I was aware of none of this except the liar bit.
And I forgave it.

My standards will never slip that far ever again.
I promise that to myself, swear it to my heart.
I will never, ever, ever let myself be buried like that.
You will not suffocate me with your bullshit.
Not now, not ever.

Do I mean so FUCKING LITTLE to you, that you would let me date someone like that?
That you would let them cheat on and lie to me?
And the only thing you tell me, your only words of caution?
“Don’t move too fast with Eddie.”

I forgave you when you chose to hide the truth from me.
And it bothered me immensely.
‘What else could you be fucking me over with?’

For today.
For today I found out everything I needed to know.
That you refer to me as “a good kid”?
For some reason, that bothers me.

I do not need you in my life anymore.
Suffocating me.
Making me feel like shit.
Coaxing me.

Blame everything on starburst eyes and my people-pleasing ways.
It was his insistence that got us into this mess.

This is not a game I will play.
I follow rules, I play fair.
You were my drug; I depended upon you.

The only person who has smashed my heart more, and fucked my mind; fucked my skull, is her. She wasn’t worth it either. And she and I, we had a thousand more amazing memories than you and I ever will. The physical suffering was minimal; the emotional and mental torture was exhausting; but she was fun, and I loved her.

No person who dares fuck with my head, let alone my heart, is worth my time.

Remember.

I am overreacting. But I don’t care.

Our eyes met, and you didn’t smile, you didn’t speak, you didn’t move closer.. away, away you moved.
I kept thinking, hoping you’d come back and talk to me.. and you didn’t.. and in that moment, I felt a small part of my heart crack, I really, honestly, literally did. It hurt so much, and I was left to stare.

You can’t leave my life the way you did, and come back, and expect me to be happy about it.
Neither of us are the same people we were four years ago.
We will never be.

And as much as I miss you..
My life is better off without you, as is my heart.
It hurts me to say that, but I need to.
I can lie and say I don’t miss you at all,
but chances are, I probably always will.
Miss the person you used to be.

Because when we’re around each other now,
even on good terms,
it still hurts me.

I hope you realize that I don’t hate, or even dislike, you.
(I just don’t know what to say anymore.)

I have realized I truely love few.
I care for and like many, but love few.
And I love hard – I fall hard.

Not necessarily romantic love – I just love deeply in general.
But particularly in the aspect of romantic love.
I’m trying to figure out if that’s a fault.
He says it is. He says a lot of things are faults.

I’m tiring of falling for people so hard.
But I can’t help it.
A girl once told me I had a lot of love to give.
I can’t keep all this bottled up.
I would explode into a thousand hearts.

Speaking of exploding.
Today’s X-Files episode revolved around that.
And Mulder and Scully got into this adorable scientific discussion.
And they’re so made for each other.. I giggled.
Nothing quite makes me feel like a day with Mulder and Scully does.

(I’ve watched Showgirls two days in a row.
And I finally am watching the uncut version.
SO much better. I can’t even begin.)

Oh, that reminds me.
If you fuck with her again..
I don’t know what I will do.. But it won’t be pretty.
Don’t you dare fucking break her again.
Don’t you fucking DARE.

Listen well; will you marry me?
Not now, boy.
And are you well in the suffering?

K. Gonna finish this movie.

xoxo’s.

I don’t want to feel like this.

Every return equals someone else.

Yes, darling, I saw your bulletin.
I’m sorry if I don’t comment on it, but I love you; I will always love you.
And I want you. Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks.

I keep thinking about what you said, I haven’t stopped since the day it happened, I may be over it, but it did shatter something inside me, and I can’t put it back together.

I have given up on you, this situation. I love you, Mister, but nothing will ever come of it. I am not strong enough for you.. You may think I’m the right one (doubtful), but there always been a baby raincloud. You could never deal with me.

I tore you from my walls today. Maybe I won’t be so bitter.
I’m putting Andy Warhol in your place.. that is, if my indecision settles.

You were in a bad mood earlier. And it irritated me.
I wish I could talk to you, but I don’t want a side-dish of religion..
Not yours.

I feel like crying, and I don’t know why.

It’s so awkward talking to you, and I adore you so much.. but I know it isn’t right.
Try as I might, it could never be right. Give up, heart, give up.

So much pressure on my eyes..

Today is my partyyyyy. I’m excitedddd.

Thank you, Rachel. ♥

I wish I knew what to do.
I’m overreacting and being paranoid.
Definitely.

I feel angry and sick at myself for writing this.
I don’t even want to.
I really don’t.
And I wish I didn’t have to.

I’m insane.
I’m losing my mind.
I wish I could just give up and die.
And that sounds so “emo” or whatever the hell they call it now.
I feel like a horrible person, but I won’t kill myself.
I’m to the the point, where I just don’t care.
I just want to give up and waste away.

She’s trying so hard to make everything work.
And I love her so much, and i’m staying here for her.
I wish she knew how much I need her right now.
I’m ungrateful.

I don’t want to be selfish.
I don’t want to cause anyone any pain by leaving them.
Suicide is for the weak, the selfish.
It isn’t something I would do.
But I honestly just.. don’t care what happens anymore.

How do I run away when everything is based around you?
Now I understand why you told me not to.
Because when you leave, everything comes crashing down.
A pillar that can’t take this anymore.
I wish you could have, because you meant the world to me.

Darling, this is insanity.

My sixteenth birthday is in eighteen days. Here’s a quick rundown.

20th?: 8AM-1AM. 28 Weeks Later with Kris.
22nd: Denny’s at 1AM with Ashley.
?: Party hosted by Rachel.

I’m excited!

I hate feeling ugly all the time.
I hate feeling unloved.
I hate feeling like i’m not good enough for him.
I hate waking up every fucking day, and wondering why i’m here.

I hate crying.
I hate being alone.
I hate this post, and I definitely hate all this whining.
I hate how this post is going to have me labeled as emo.

I hate how I talk too loud, or too much.
I hate how I compare myself to everyone, and force myself to believe i’m a thousand times prettier than them.
I hate this false security.
I hate lying to myself.

I REALLY HATE how I walk, and how someone points it out when I think i’ve fixed it.
I hate how there’s no way to fix it other than some surgery that’s gonna keep me in a wheelchair for months, and how i’ll have a large chunk of metal in my leg for the rest of my life.

I hate how my Mother had to do drugs.
And I hate how it fucked me up.
I hate how that seems incredibly selfish.
I hate the fact she’s dead.

I hate how my first real boyfriend made me feel like the ugliest thing in the world.
And I hate how my second made me feel unhappy. (even though he’s a really nice guy with lovely eyes.)

I hate how that one guy made me disgusted with sex.
I hate how I don’t feel like i’ll ever get over it.
I hate how he called me a thousand times afterward.
I hate how my Grandmother still adores him, and tries to make me talk to him, or go in and see him at work.

I hate living with my Grandparents because I know eventually they’ll die.
I’ll go someplace bad.
And be alone.
I hate how I don’t think I could make it without my Grandma.

I hate how I feel like an awful person all the time.
I hate how I’m always left out.
I hate how my RL “friends” don’t seem like they’d give a shit if I died.
…Except for Rachel.

I hate how I can’t trust anyone.
I hate how I think everyone has a motive.
I hate how I think everyone is lying to save my feelings.
I hate how i’m so damn paranoid.

This post makes me seem so unstable.
I hate how I kept everything so bottled up inside.
I hate how its being expressed through this.

…

Rachel called last night.
We had a grand ol’ chat.
Oh, how I missed that girl.

On another note, I claim the smiley ‘~’
So, ‘~’ is mine.
I repeat: JENESIS ARIELLE CAULEY’S SMILEY IS ‘~’

And, Ben Burnley is almost as good as …
…uh, well, he’s pretty much the best thing ever.
(Next to about five or six people, including Sean, Jaime & Luca.)