Dreams of Mars

I don’t have tons to say.
I go back to school tomorrow, I’m way too excited.

Here, have a song recommendation:

(Inside of You, In Spite Of You. I HATE the video, but Thoushaltnot is hard to find.)
The White Beyond is also awesome, too.

PS. RIP Daniel’s long hair.

It is the new year! and with it, a blog post to cleanse my soul and mind.

For the third time, I am trying to reset my sleep schedule through Concerta, which I take anyway for my ADHD. So I’m wide awake, because I laid in bed, and got to thinking about things, and decided to write them all down.

Towards the end of this year, and beginning somewhere around the summer, I decided that my career, my dreams are the most important thing in  my life, and I decided that noone will stand in my way (although I won’t walk over people) and no-one will take my freedom away. I am going to join the FBI, make a difference, and live in Scotland, just like I’ve always wanted.

I was talking to my grandfather last night, and I told him this, and how I love Kansas, and other states just don’t interest me, but other countries do. And he told me I hadn’t really been to any other states, and not to be so quick to say that.. and he’s right.. but I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than Scotland. I can’t.

Thomas stood me up for the second time, as in hanging out, and I’m done for now. Noone has stood me up and been that apathetic about it in a long time. And I won’t stand for it, I won’t be treated like that, no matter his excuse. I’m too good for it, for any of the shit he gives me.

I decided two days ago, I am going to apply to be a Playmate as soon as I feel the time is right. And I don’t see any shame in it, nothing wrong with it at all. I think Hugh Hefner is an awesome man. Call me crazy, but I think Playboy has earned women a lot of respect, especially when compared to smutty magazines.. because Playboy is about as classy as it gets, even if the women sometimes don’t have a lot going on their heads, to be blunt (I’m going off the few episodes of “The Girls Next Door” so feel free to call me out on that – but I love Holly.) Regardless, I think it would be so awesome.

On a completely unrelated note, I must admit, my music taste has changed drastically: from Manson, Nightwish and Slipknot to Chris Isaak, Genesis and Elton John. It feels weird, and I still listen to my “dark” music, but more often than not, Mr. Isaak is ringing in my ears.

I bought my first Duran Duran album today, although I’ve been a fan for four years now..? Something like that.
I feel like a better person, silly enough.  The Wedding Album. It is called that because it has no real title, but the cover has pictures of all the band members’ parents at their wedding!
Truth be told, Medazzaland is my favorite album, but it wasn’t in stock, so I took what I could get. (Come Undone is the best song on TWA, to me and one of my favorite DD songs).

I also went through my DeviantART today, and deleted some really old, dumb poetry I wrote when I thought Luca wasn’t in love with me. It felt nice, but sad at the same time, though it was really crappy poetry. I strive so hard to keep that friendship alive, even if I don’t love him romantically anymore just because he is such a huge part of me. We don’t talk about anything of importance, but I like knowing we’re friends and that we’ve got each other. I never really cut ties.

And I can’t think of anything else. :sleepy:

I have nowhere to go… in the sense that there is no release for me now… DoM is down, so I’m a little lost. I’m listening to Amanda Palmer. I was listening to Bif Naked earlier, and will probably go back to that at some point.

After Awhile © Bif Naked

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mum’s death, I am not sure how I am going to handle that, probably just treat it as another day, s’what I usually do.
Today is slow, rather tedious, I don’t like it.

I need to read my new Christopher Pike book, I abandoned V.C. Andrews a few days ago.

November was an awful month for me, because as I’d expected… I fell very, very hard for this man, and I don’t think he reciprocated.. Regardless, he leaves me with no feelings of guilt or regret, and even if I never speak to him again, these memories will always be held deep inside albeit painful they may be.. because this man I’ve adored for so long was there, and I touched him, and that was enough.

Thank God we can come to terms with that. This pain was unbearable… I wanted so badly to just be gone, but I can never lose that last shred of hope, and how tightly I cling to it. I relapsed that week, hard. I guess I better re-embrace that lifestyle, because it brings me some comfort, and how I did miss the sight of my own blood.

Oh Invisible © ThouShaltNot

David Bowie makes my heart sing.
China Girl is my addiction.

I feel slightly unstable, and sick to my stomach.
I know why, but its not for your ears.

Sometimes I think people would take me more seriously if I’d been addicted to drugs.
It seems that gets you much respect in this town, to be a recovering addict.
That’s pathetic.

I am realizing that I really do hate it here. I want to get out.
Anyone want to move to Manhattan with Erika and I? lol
Fuckin’ expensive man.

I am starting to resent my housewife/submissive nature.
It will be the death of me.
To say that I would let anyone slap me around? (Still, I’d take it over being cheated on.)
I don’t know about that anymore.

Also, I am disgusted with you.
You are the kind of person I hate most.
I hate men who cheat, or even think of it.
To think you were my whole world, once upon a time.

I miss Sam.
And Erika and Sean.
A whole lot.

So where were the spiders?
Ohhh David <3
I would be dead without you.

My aunt and I are going to watch horror movies soon. I am excited!
She is so much like me.
It makes me sad that I am just now realizing this, and she’s leaving to Alaska on the 26th.
That’s how life works, I guess.

I think I’m done here. Have a nice night.

Listening to Blue October will probably always remind me partially of Ryan, and that’s alright with me, not exactly who I want to think of, but he’s the one that introduced me to them about four years ago.

Its weird how I measure my life through my online friends. For example:
Ages 12-15 are mostly Luca. They’re obsessive, painful, full of shock value and angst ridden poetry. They’re sprinkled with elated feelings and floating on clouds, and much tears and some blood. Various therapy appointments, and even a trip to a mental hospital.

Although 13-14 is also full of Laura, Crystal (my first gay relationship, albeit online) and Melanie. Thinking of them almost always makes me reminiscence. Its also around this time I came out of the closet, and my mind was almost exclusively focused on females.

15-17 is also mostly Sean. They’re when I started to realize that I didn’t need Luca, and that he wasn’t my entire world, and yes, I was capable of loving another male, if only platonically. Its about this time I started realizing how fucking awesome I really am, and how Luca had been dragging me down.
Sean also helped me with various flaws, and brought me back to earth.

Its funny because since then, I only really talk to Sean and Melanie, when I can. Both lead very busy lives. Luca I still talk to from time to time (read: once a week), but he’s certainly not the man I fell for. Its highly upsetting, in a way. I never expect people to change.

Which brings me to another point: That is why it was so fucking hard and excruciating to give up Rachel, and deal with our friendship falling apart. I did not accept or acknowledge the fact that people change drastically in a very short time. It was something that never crossed my mind.

Back to Blue October! “Hate Me” will probably always make me think of my mother. It was probably always be dedicated to her. I treated her very terribly, I know, and I can never make up for it. I will live with this guilt forever, and that’s fine, because I deserve nothing but.

I will always be full of regret on that hand, despite my insistence that “I can never regret, I can feel sorrow, but its not the same thing.” Which is actually a quote from The Last Unicorn. I cannot deceive myself often, however I doubt I will ever stop saying that when asked if I have regrets. I have many more than anyone should ever have to deal with. (At least for my age.)

Today I thought about him. And I realized I could never be happy with him. And I say I’m over him, and I don’t want him, and I don’t. I just don’t know why its so hard for me to forget about him completely. Just push him out of my mind. Stop worrying about how well he doing, if he’s happy, if he’s happy with someone. Its very frustrating.

If I could, I would forget so many things. But then, I worry about who I’d be without some of those people in my life.
I mean, without Luca – shit, there’d be no Poison Ivy in my life, no Cradle of Filth (well, later on, I’m sure.) Some other important, very Jen stuff. I think that’s why I love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so much.

Today I came up with my theory of how Marilyn Monroe died:
-When doing the autopsy, it was revealed that there was no way Marilyn ingested the pills. They were done through rectal means.
-She loved getting enemas. No, I’m serious. Her housekeeper administered them.
-The housekeeper and Monroe did not like each other.
-Therefore, the housekeeper totally did it.
Although, this doesn’t explain anything to do with the JFK conspiracies – But, I don’t think they’d gotten around to it yet. Ha.
( Read this: http://www.everlasting-star.net/miner.php )

Hold me now, I need to feel complete. Like I matter to the one I need.
I’m so afraid of the gift you give me.
I don’t belong here, and I’m not well.
-Seether, The Gift.

I miss dream journaling. I miss it a whole fucking lot.
I can never remember my dreams anymore.

I think I’ll have a South Park marathon tonight.
That sounds nice.
If I don’t pass the fuck out first.

Tonight, I watched the third Nightmare on Elm Street film.
Its the first Freddy film I ever saw, actually. It reminds me of my mommy and stepdaddy, because they were both like, “Freddy is awesome! You must watch this.” at the the tender age of nine. Little did my mother know what she was getting me into …
(That chick with the mohawk is sexy – I wish her and Freddy would make out. But I guess needles in your arms is just as hot.)

I hallucinate bugs all the time now. Its a little ridiculous. Thankfully I don’t see them in my food, but I see butterflies on my shower curtain a lot. (I think Anthony Hopkins is trying to tell me something.)

I’m exhausted.

This is love + life.

Driver’s ed is fucking hard.
My teacher has worse moodswings than me.
I fail every test I take, almost.
I just don’t learn anything from a textbook, sorry.
Friday and its over!

Erika is beautiful.
Sean and I agreed.
I <3 her.

I am on a huuuuge Switchfoot kick.
Its almost all I’ve listened to for two days or so now.

AWE. FORREST AND JENNY ARE GETTING MARRIED. RIGHT NOW.
Ahem.

… This V.C. Andrews book I’m reading is kinda dull.
I’m tired of everyone’s dad and their dog dying.

So. I’m listening to Richard Marx and I realize .. that all blog posts are is what’s going on in my head right now.. and I’ve got about an hour and 28 minutes to write this post.. and I’m sitting in the car.. on my way to Wichita.. so they can tell me how messed up I am and how many more meds I need. Hooray! Hooray for sarcasm! Hooray for pointless hoorays! Hooray for hoorays that reference themselves!…

I miss Erika a whole fucking lot right now. I wish I could be talking to her and listening to her wonderful voice. I am so excited that we will be moved in together next year – everything will be perfect, and I think we’ll always be in love. It’ll be amazing, absolutely.

On another note, a darker note, I am deathly afraid I am falling in love with my best guy-friend… real life-wise, anyway… But, I don’t think it would be so bad, as I’m already infatuated with him.. and I see no chance of a relationship with him, but casual dating would be nice.

I have already decided I would like to temporarily be his submissive, just to sate my desire for a while..
Thank God for all the big things that makes a relationship with him so unappealing, for they save my sanity.

Have you ever seen the film The Dead Girl? Its one of my favorites… Brittany Murphy, Giovanni Ribisi, Josh Brolin, although those last two have bit roles.
Its freaking amazing, and I suggest you see it. Its about a dead girl, of course, and is broken into five parts. Its very different from other films I’ve seen, but reminicent of American Gun. That might be because Marcia Gay Harden is in both, but I digress. I’ll write a review sometime.

Oh, and I saw Hatchet earlier. I think I would buy it. Very funny, had a very classic feel to it. It was supposed to be a revival of the slasher genre, and I think it accomplished that, as best it could, without being too over the top. I missed any scenes with Robert or Tony, which were my motivation for wanting to see the film.. MY TWO FAVORITE HORROR ACTORS TOGETHER IN A HORROR FILM!!!
(Well, Robert is my all-time favorite, but whatever. lol)

That’s it for now, Mars!

This song is not very inspiring.

hold on.

this one isn’t either, but I can make do.

no, I can’t.

gah, I can never post anything in this damned blog anymore!

its really frustrating.