Its weird how I measure my life through my online friends. For example:
Ages 12-15 are mostly Luca. They’re obsessive, painful, full of shock value and angst ridden poetry. They’re sprinkled with elated feelings and floating on clouds, and much tears and some blood. Various therapy appointments, and even a trip to a mental hospital.

Although 13-14 is also full of Laura, Crystal (my first gay relationship, albeit online) and Melanie. Thinking of them almost always makes me reminiscence. Its also around this time I came out of the closet, and my mind was almost exclusively focused on females.

15-17 is also mostly Sean. They’re when I started to realize that I didn’t need Luca, and that he wasn’t my entire world, and yes, I was capable of loving another male, if only platonically. Its about this time I started realizing how fucking awesome I really am, and how Luca had been dragging me down.
Sean also helped me with various flaws, and brought me back to earth.

Its funny because since then, I only really talk to Sean and Melanie, when I can. Both lead very busy lives. Luca I still talk to from time to time (read: once a week), but he’s certainly not the man I fell for. Its highly upsetting, in a way. I never expect people to change.

Which brings me to another point: That is why it was so fucking hard and excruciating to give up Rachel, and deal with our friendship falling apart. I did not accept or acknowledge the fact that people change drastically in a very short time. It was something that never crossed my mind.

Back to Blue October! “Hate Me” will probably always make me think of my mother. It was probably always be dedicated to her. I treated her very terribly, I know, and I can never make up for it. I will live with this guilt forever, and that’s fine, because I deserve nothing but.

I will always be full of regret on that hand, despite my insistence that “I can never regret, I can feel sorrow, but its not the same thing.” Which is actually a quote from The Last Unicorn. I cannot deceive myself often, however I doubt I will ever stop saying that when asked if I have regrets. I have many more than anyone should ever have to deal with. (At least for my age.)

Today I thought about him. And I realized I could never be happy with him. And I say I’m over him, and I don’t want him, and I don’t. I just don’t know why its so hard for me to forget about him completely. Just push him out of my mind. Stop worrying about how well he doing, if he’s happy, if he’s happy with someone. Its very frustrating.

If I could, I would forget so many things. But then, I worry about who I’d be without some of those people in my life.
I mean, without Luca – shit, there’d be no Poison Ivy in my life, no Cradle of Filth (well, later on, I’m sure.) Some other important, very Jen stuff. I think that’s why I love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so much.

Today I came up with my theory of how Marilyn Monroe died:
-When doing the autopsy, it was revealed that there was no way Marilyn ingested the pills. They were done through rectal means.
-She loved getting enemas. No, I’m serious. Her housekeeper administered them.
-The housekeeper and Monroe did not like each other.
-Therefore, the housekeeper totally did it.
Although, this doesn’t explain anything to do with the JFK conspiracies – But, I don’t think they’d gotten around to it yet. Ha.
( Read this: http://www.everlasting-star.net/miner.php )

Hold me now, I need to feel complete. Like I matter to the one I need.
I’m so afraid of the gift you give me.
I don’t belong here, and I’m not well.
-Seether, The Gift.

I miss dream journaling. I miss it a whole fucking lot.
I can never remember my dreams anymore.

I think I’ll have a South Park marathon tonight.
That sounds nice.
If I don’t pass the fuck out first.

Tonight, I watched the third Nightmare on Elm Street film.
Its the first Freddy film I ever saw, actually. It reminds me of my mommy and stepdaddy, because they were both like, “Freddy is awesome! You must watch this.” at the the tender age of nine. Little did my mother know what she was getting me into …
(That chick with the mohawk is sexy – I wish her and Freddy would make out. But I guess needles in your arms is just as hot.)

I hallucinate bugs all the time now. Its a little ridiculous. Thankfully I don’t see them in my food, but I see butterflies on my shower curtain a lot. (I think Anthony Hopkins is trying to tell me something.)

I’m exhausted.

Driver’s ed is fucking hard.
My teacher has worse moodswings than me.
I fail every test I take, almost.
I just don’t learn anything from a textbook, sorry.
Friday and its over!

Erika is beautiful.
Sean and I agreed.
I <3 her.

I am on a huuuuge Switchfoot kick.
Its almost all I’ve listened to for two days or so now.

AWE. FORREST AND JENNY ARE GETTING MARRIED. RIGHT NOW.
Ahem.

… This V.C. Andrews book I’m reading is kinda dull.
I’m tired of everyone’s dad and their dog dying.

Despite my irrational, terrible fear of anything non-fashion doll.. Billy is fucking adorable.

But oh my gosh! A clown + doll = terrible mix for me.
I seriously almost screamed.

I really did like the film a lot, though. So different.

S’all for now.

Not necessarily romantic love – I just love deeply in general.
But particularly in the aspect of romantic love.
I’m trying to figure out if that’s a fault.
He says it is. He says a lot of things are faults.

I’m tiring of falling for people so hard.
But I can’t help it.
A girl once told me I had a lot of love to give.
I can’t keep all this bottled up.
I would explode into a thousand hearts.

Speaking of exploding.
Today’s X-Files episode revolved around that.
And Mulder and Scully got into this adorable scientific discussion.
And they’re so made for each other.. I giggled.
Nothing quite makes me feel like a day with Mulder and Scully does.

(I’ve watched Showgirls two days in a row.
And I finally am watching the uncut version.
SO much better. I can’t even begin.)

Oh, that reminds me.
If you fuck with her again..
I don’t know what I will do.. But it won’t be pretty.
Don’t you dare fucking break her again.
Don’t you fucking DARE.

Listen well; will you marry me?
Not now, boy.
And are you well in the suffering?

K. Gonna finish this movie.

xoxo’s.

Today will be a good day; I feel it in my bones.
(That, and a chill.)

I watched a Robert Englund movie this morning, which is the absolute best way to fall asleep. Absolutely.
I wish I could marry him. Not so much as a celebrity crush thing, but more of an ‘admire forever’ thing. (Kinda like I feel about Vincent Price, but I lack any lust for Vincent. Well, maybe there’s a little. :wink:)
I just want to have a 10 hour conversation with Mr. Englund about his philosophies, his acting, horror… That is one of my greatest wishes in life, and it has been since I was ten or eleven.

I feel obsessive and rambly. Ugh.

This song isn’t as good as I thought it would be.
Poor Theory of a Deadman.