Dreams of Mars

I miss you so much in this moment.

And I know I’m having a hell of a time getting over you, and letting go, and truth is, I never expect either of these things to happen.

You just aren’t the man I fell in love with, not at all… And I want so badly just to  be with you, regardless – no, not even with you, just around you, at least be touched by you.

I know I can live without you, but now its setting in, and becoming more and more of a reality that you may not be in my life anymore.. and at first, I thought that would be fine, but I still feel like part of me needs you.

I just don’t know what to do, and I feel like there’s no way to get ahold of you now.

Did I fuck this up?

Everything I’ve planned on for the past year or so just came crumbling down. And that’s cool, that’s fine, its what happens when I plan my life with someone.

Its not like he hasn’t crushed my heart a thousand times. And once, has he apologized. I realize I am much too bitter about the pain he has caused me, but I can’t let it go, because he never gives me the chance.

I have come to the conclusion that I’m autosexual or a romanticist with men, and everything with women.
I like that, I like it a lot. And I always knew it would come to this, I’ve always known myself to be gaygaygay.

And I regret every time I’ve been with a male, I really do. I am disgusted with myself for it, and I wish I could forget every experience I’ve ever had.

On the other hand, when I see a ‘pretty’ boy, I want to touch him, and hug him, and tell him sweet things, but I don’t want to kiss him on the mouth, or have sex with him… I just want to love him.

Why is life so complicated?

I’m not sure where to run with my life.
There’s so many things I want to do with it.
Fame, makeup artist, writer, FBI agent, cryptozoologist, ufologist.
For the most part I have it all figured out, I just need the motivation to get there.

I believe in reincarnation, but I do not believe in a second human life.
I think that’s been my problem for a long time.
“If I screw up in this life, I get a second chance.”
And I might, but I’m not taking any chances.

I want to take control of my life, because I feel it spiraling away from me so quickly.
And I feel like I shouldn’t worry about this when I’m eighteen, but perhaps that’s part of my problem.
I aspire highly, and I always have. I always have had very grand ideas for myself.
(Aside from my housewife fantasies, but I digress. Perhaps that was my subconscious being lazy.)

Forgive my romanticism, but I just want to be in her arms. I feel like everything will be okay, then.
I wish she’d see how much I love her… How much it pains me to see her with guys, with anyone but me. And I know its hypocritical of me, but I feel little for mine. Concern, but not even infatuation. To hear her still talk about him, and I understand why she does, I do completely. I just wish I could heal her pain, and complete her in the ways the men seem to. And she reassures me, all the time, but there are these words glaring back at me like angry eyes… I just want this to be pure, just us… Forgive me for being jealous, controlling even… I know she wouldn’t appreciate it, because I don’t think I would from her. I’m not sure.
Men are just so unattractive half the time, and I’m tired of this.

Yet, he seems to have every key to my heart. He keeps me from ’slipping too far’. And God, how I adore him, want to make him happy.. and still, I don’t think I could do it.. with his desire for a strong woman, a woman that doesn’t hurt like I do, love like I do, especially. For my love is so intense at times, but he makes me feel so beautiful, so unreal. And I know it would never last, because we’re two different people.. who seem made for each other in my eyes… and that’s what it is… he is my ideal.. but an exaggeration, a lie… one that I can’t reveal until I can touch him.

And this other male… The one who haunts my dreams almost every night… who makes my heart ache with every word.. whom I can never hold, never have.. and I’m coming to terms with it, very slowly, very painfully. Its taken me four years to get this far.. and when I see him, my stomach turns and my heart flutters.. and I want so badly to forget his name, face, his laugh, his hugs.. the comfort… I won’t ask myself why he doesn’t want me, because it isn’t worth it. It is honestly his loss, if he wants to end up with the girls he does, then so be it.. I need to move on, and still it will take time, but maybe this void in my heart can be filled.

Maybe.

I have hope.

What did I do to deserve all of you?

You hurt my heart, and yet it aches for you.

I hate you in this moment.

I can’t shake these feelings; and I have them constantly anyway, but they’re so intense now.

maybe I’m not ready for this…
or just you…

I think this was a mistake.
although I may be comfortable with it now…
you could be right about the too attached thing.

I’m really worried about myself now; where will this lead?

Time, my actions will tell.

Since you refused..
I just don’t care.
And of course, I still want that from you.
But not that.
Well, it’d be nice.
But I don’t need it.

Well, now that that’s out..

I feel sad.
Of course winter (and December) make me sad.. because that’s when she left this earth.
I don’t like how that sounds, but I’m not willing to change it.

I’m excited to see you.
I don’t know what it will be like.
Probably like salting my wounds.
Over and over.
But its so worth it.
I hope.

Her telling me that managed to give me some hope.
I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all.
The last thing I need are two complications in love.
Especially one with a girl.

Oh, why can’t I just be satisfied with words on a screen?
Because I’ve felt more..
Things were so much simpler then.

When my heart wasn’t cracking because I couldn’t have the guy I absolutely ached for.
And I had to see him… see him with her.. see her smash his heart.
But again, guitar players are not my thing..

Just keep telling yourself that.

And now.. to that given to me..
and then you took it away.
and still, I wish for more.
I am entirely too hopeful.

(Dragon © Tori Amos)

..you put my heart back in my hand, and wipe it clean.

It becomes harder and harder to blog on Wordpress. Soon I will have to find a client to help me with that.

Going back through this blog is nothing like going through my MySpace blog. Not even my LiveJournal. It lacks the passion and interest the other two have. Perhaps because it will never be as private as LJ, but who am I kidding? MySpace? That’s so secure.

In time, I am sure I will gain more interest for this blog, as has actually been the case lately.

Today I had my writing critiqued, albeit lightly, as it could have been much more harsh. I feel my arrogance slipping (towards my writing) through my fingers like sand. Perhaps its for the best, but my mind tells me otherwise.

You’re so easy to read, but the book is boring me

In contradiction to my previous actual post, I find that I still indeed think about you, and maybe my diminishing feelings aren’t so diminished after all. I do fear its just jealously, and somewhat baffling. I just thought maybe you could be the one that would finally reciprocate. Oh, how very wrong I was.

In fact, I don’t even want a relationship anymore, knowing what I know. Knowing how it would end. That must be it – subconsciously, I want nothing.

Someone once told me that if you have no faith in God, then you will find things to fill that void.
You used to fill that void – so, following in the footsteps of the infamous prose: you were in a way, my God.

I will find my place in time, I’m sure.