Its not like he hasn’t crushed my heart a thousand times. And once, has he apologized. I realize I am much too bitter about the pain he has caused me, but I can’t let it go, because he never gives me the chance.

I have come to the conclusion that I’m autosexual or a romanticist with men, and everything with women.
I like that, I like it a lot. And I always knew it would come to this, I’ve always known myself to be gaygaygay.

And I regret every time I’ve been with a male, I really do. I am disgusted with myself for it, and I wish I could forget every experience I’ve ever had.

On the other hand, when I see a ‘pretty’ boy, I want to touch him, and hug him, and tell him sweet things, but I don’t want to kiss him on the mouth, or have sex with him… I just want to love him.

Why is life so complicated?

I believe in reincarnation, but I do not believe in a second human life.
I think that’s been my problem for a long time.
“If I screw up in this life, I get a second chance.”
And I might, but I’m not taking any chances.

I want to take control of my life, because I feel it spiraling away from me so quickly.
And I feel like I shouldn’t worry about this when I’m eighteen, but perhaps that’s part of my problem.
I aspire highly, and I always have. I always have had very grand ideas for myself.
(Aside from my housewife fantasies, but I digress. Perhaps that was my subconscious being lazy.)

Forgive my romanticism, but I just want to be in her arms. I feel like everything will be okay, then.
I wish she’d see how much I love her… How much it pains me to see her with guys, with anyone but me. And I know its hypocritical of me, but I feel little for mine. Concern, but not even infatuation. To hear her still talk about him, and I understand why she does, I do completely. I just wish I could heal her pain, and complete her in the ways the men seem to. And she reassures me, all the time, but there are these words glaring back at me like angry eyes… I just want this to be pure, just us… Forgive me for being jealous, controlling even… I know she wouldn’t appreciate it, because I don’t think I would from her. I’m not sure.
Men are just so unattractive half the time, and I’m tired of this.

Yet, he seems to have every key to my heart. He keeps me from ‘slipping too far’. And God, how I adore him, want to make him happy.. and still, I don’t think I could do it.. with his desire for a strong woman, a woman that doesn’t hurt like I do, love like I do, especially. For my love is so intense at times, but he makes me feel so beautiful, so unreal. And I know it would never last, because we’re two different people.. who seem made for each other in my eyes… and that’s what it is… he is my ideal.. but an exaggeration, a lie… one that I can’t reveal until I can touch him.

And this other male… The one who haunts my dreams almost every night… who makes my heart ache with every word.. whom I can never hold, never have.. and I’m coming to terms with it, very slowly, very painfully. Its taken me four years to get this far.. and when I see him, my stomach turns and my heart flutters.. and I want so badly to forget his name, face, his laugh, his hugs.. the comfort… I won’t ask myself why he doesn’t want me, because it isn’t worth it. It is honestly his loss, if he wants to end up with the girls he does, then so be it.. I need to move on, and still it will take time, but maybe this void in my heart can be filled.

Maybe.

I have hope.

On the inside,
I am empty.
There is so much pain inside me.
I lie, lie, lie.
Everything hurts.
Waking is such a struggle.
I wish I didn’t.
Life should not be like this.
I just want to be happy; to be wonderful.

My heart hurts, and has never begun to heal.
Not until she’s in my arms,
then we can start over.

Mister, I should thank you for shattering my heart,
and infecting my mind with unrealistic expectation.
Fuck you, goddamn!
I should have expected this,
because if it doesn’t end in fire,
it ends in ember.

I feel slightly unstable, and sick to my stomach.
I know why, but its not for your ears.

Sometimes I think people would take me more seriously if I’d been addicted to drugs.
It seems that gets you much respect in this town, to be a recovering addict.
That’s pathetic.

I am realizing that I really do hate it here. I want to get out.
Anyone want to move to Manhattan with Erika and I? lol
Fuckin’ expensive man.

I am starting to resent my housewife/submissive nature.
It will be the death of me.
To say that I would let anyone slap me around? (Still, I’d take it over being cheated on.)
I don’t know about that anymore.

Also, I am disgusted with you.
You are the kind of person I hate most.
I hate men who cheat, or even think of it.
To think you were my whole world, once upon a time.

I miss Sam.
And Erika and Sean.
A whole lot.

So where were the spiders?
Ohhh David <3
I would be dead without you.

My aunt and I are going to watch horror movies soon. I am excited!
She is so much like me.
It makes me sad that I am just now realizing this, and she’s leaving to Alaska on the 26th.
That’s how life works, I guess.

I think I’m done here. Have a nice night. :)

Driver’s ed is fucking hard.
My teacher has worse moodswings than me.
I fail every test I take, almost.
I just don’t learn anything from a textbook, sorry.
Friday and its over!

Erika is beautiful.
Sean and I agreed.
I <3 her.

I am on a huuuuge Switchfoot kick.
Its almost all I’ve listened to for two days or so now.

AWE. FORREST AND JENNY ARE GETTING MARRIED. RIGHT NOW.
Ahem.

… This V.C. Andrews book I’m reading is kinda dull.
I’m tired of everyone’s dad and their dog dying.

I miss Erika a whole fucking lot right now. I wish I could be talking to her and listening to her wonderful voice. I am so excited that we will be moved in together next year – everything will be perfect, and I think we’ll always be in love. It’ll be amazing, absolutely.

On another note, a darker note, I am deathly afraid I am falling in love with my best guy-friend… real life-wise, anyway… But, I don’t think it would be so bad, as I’m already infatuated with him.. and I see no chance of a relationship with him, but casual dating would be nice.

I have already decided I would like to temporarily be his submissive, just to sate my desire for a while..
Thank God for all the big things that makes a relationship with him so unappealing, for they save my sanity.

Have you ever seen the film The Dead Girl? Its one of my favorites… Brittany Murphy, Giovanni Ribisi, Josh Brolin, although those last two have bit roles.
Its freaking amazing, and I suggest you see it. Its about a dead girl, of course, and is broken into five parts. Its very different from other films I’ve seen, but reminicent of American Gun. That might be because Marcia Gay Harden is in both, but I digress. I’ll write a review sometime.

Oh, and I saw Hatchet earlier. I think I would buy it. Very funny, had a very classic feel to it. It was supposed to be a revival of the slasher genre, and I think it accomplished that, as best it could, without being too over the top. I missed any scenes with Robert or Tony, which were my motivation for wanting to see the film.. MY TWO FAVORITE HORROR ACTORS TOGETHER IN A HORROR FILM!!!
(Well, Robert is my all-time favorite, but whatever. lol)

That’s it for now, Mars!

Every return equals someone else.

Yes, darling, I saw your bulletin.
I’m sorry if I don’t comment on it, but I love you; I will always love you.
And I want you. Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks.

I keep thinking about what you said, I haven’t stopped since the day it happened, I may be over it, but it did shatter something inside me, and I can’t put it back together.

I have given up on you, this situation. I love you, Mister, but nothing will ever come of it. I am not strong enough for you.. You may think I’m the right one (doubtful), but there always been a baby raincloud. You could never deal with me.

I tore you from my walls today. Maybe I won’t be so bitter.
I’m putting Andy Warhol in your place.. that is, if my indecision settles.

You were in a bad mood earlier. And it irritated me.
I wish I could talk to you, but I don’t want a side-dish of religion..
Not yours.

I feel like crying, and I don’t know why.

It’s so awkward talking to you, and I adore you so much.. but I know it isn’t right.
Try as I might, it could never be right. Give up, heart, give up.

So much pressure on my eyes..

I love you, so much.

Sigh.
I want to write, but I can’t…

It seems I’m becoming more dependent on people.
And I don’t like that.
I’m trying to be realistic, but in reality, I’m terrified.
Do I leave people before they can leave me?
Probably.

I’m sick of pushing people away.
I need them.
I’m sick of needing people.
I wish I could stand on my own two feet.
I wish I wasn’t so spoiled.
I’m in for such a bad awakening the minute I step out that door.

I really like you.
I think you’re a neat girl.
Well, I don’t like you like that…
I’m being hopeful.

Gramma hurts my feelings sometimes.
I don’t know how to make her happy.
I worry about her a lot…

I miss Chandler.
I want to hug her.

I can’t tell if I’m hungry or just sick.. anymore.

I said I wasn’t dependent or clingy towards you.
But the truth is, that I’m terrified to lose you.
You’re such a wonderful girl…
I don’t know.
I love you.

And you.
You make me daydream horribly.
You’re so incredible, Mister.
I don’t know what to think.
I just know that for once in my life, I really belong.
And that feels wonderful.
You are the love in my life.

Love is good and love is kind.
Love is drunk and love is blind.
Love is good and love is mine.
Love is drunk all the time.

Ashley: Oh boy! You’re sparkly AND shiny. You make me all warm and fuzzy inside.
I’m happy we’re close again. ♥
Oh no, the melting Godzilla!

Erika: We don’t talk as much, but you mean a lot to me, really. I’m sorry for that time I shut you out, I wish I never had. *hugs*
White guys with pointy white hoodies. “Oh my God!”

Jaime: You’re totally the most awesome teacher ever. I adore you.
Thanks for being there for me, and making me happy.
lol, Joaquin Phoenix movies.

Laura: Its a habit, I’m sorry. You’re gorgeous. And I lovelovelove you.. more than …teddybears!
Lingerie and stages.

Luca: Psh. You already know. I love you more than food.
But, you’re beautiful, and thanks for always being a shoulder to lean on.
Monkeys in space.

Sean: A girl couldn’t ask for a better best friend. I’m sorry I tried to push you away. Best friends forever, always. Jump in my car. I wanna take you home..
“I swear I just fell down the stairs, and hit my eye on a shampoo bottle!”