I’m not sure where to run with my life.
There’s so many things I want to do with it.
Fame, makeup artist, writer, FBI agent, cryptozoologist, ufologist.
For the most part I have it all figured out, I just need the motivation to get there.
I believe in reincarnation, but I do not believe in a second human life.
I think that’s been my problem for a long time.
“If I screw up in this life, I get a second chance.”
And I might, but I’m not taking any chances.
I want to take control of my life, because I feel it spiraling away from me so quickly.
And I feel like I shouldn’t worry about this when I’m eighteen, but perhaps that’s part of my problem.
I aspire highly, and I always have. I always have had very grand ideas for myself.
(Aside from my housewife fantasies, but I digress. Perhaps that was my subconscious being lazy.)
Forgive my romanticism, but I just want to be in her arms. I feel like everything will be okay, then.
I wish she’d see how much I love her… How much it pains me to see her with guys, with anyone but me. And I know its hypocritical of me, but I feel little for mine. Concern, but not even infatuation. To hear her still talk about him, and I understand why she does, I do completely. I just wish I could heal her pain, and complete her in the ways the men seem to. And she reassures me, all the time, but there are these words glaring back at me like angry eyes… I just want this to be pure, just us… Forgive me for being jealous, controlling even… I know she wouldn’t appreciate it, because I don’t think I would from her. I’m not sure.
Men are just so unattractive half the time, and I’m tired of this.
Yet, he seems to have every key to my heart. He keeps me from ‘slipping too far’. And God, how I adore him, want to make him happy.. and still, I don’t think I could do it.. with his desire for a strong woman, a woman that doesn’t hurt like I do, love like I do, especially. For my love is so intense at times, but he makes me feel so beautiful, so unreal. And I know it would never last, because we’re two different people.. who seem made for each other in my eyes… and that’s what it is… he is my ideal.. but an exaggeration, a lie… one that I can’t reveal until I can touch him.
And this other male… The one who haunts my dreams almost every night… who makes my heart ache with every word.. whom I can never hold, never have.. and I’m coming to terms with it, very slowly, very painfully. Its taken me four years to get this far.. and when I see him, my stomach turns and my heart flutters.. and I want so badly to forget his name, face, his laugh, his hugs.. the comfort… I won’t ask myself why he doesn’t want me, because it isn’t worth it. It is honestly his loss, if he wants to end up with the girls he does, then so be it.. I need to move on, and still it will take time, but maybe this void in my heart can be filled.
Maybe.
I have hope.