Dreams of Mars

I swear to God, if anything happened to you…

Well, admittedly, that last post was quite the downer.
I feel a bit better, actually. I dunno…

I feel like I got a lot of stuff out, stuff that I’d been keeping bottled up.
Some of it seems rather obvious, but…

I miss Kris, and I think about calling him, and apologizing.
But I don’t remember his number. I never memorized it.
I pushed him out when he needed me the most, and yet he was still able to yell at me for always closing him out when I was hurting.

I had the nerve to call him selfish and arrogant, but he was willing to put aside his pain for awhile and listen to me, and I wouldn’t let him.

Yet…
Call me crazy, but maybe I just don’t like being the 5th girl in your line-up, and feeling like a last resort.

Still, I pushed a really nice guy out of my life, and I won’t ever get him back.
Unless he decides to apologize, and calls me up randomly.

But her… I don’t miss her, at all. Too much fighting, too much drama.
She was blind to her own faults, but quick to criticize mine.
Everything was so.. black and white. I didn’t like it.

So dear journal, tell me, how many people have I pushed away?
There’s almost no-one left.

And soon, i’ll have to push him away, too.
I can’t keep lying.

Dammit Jen, get a fucking backbone.

I hate feeling ugly all the time.
I hate feeling unloved.
I hate feeling like i’m not good enough for him.
I hate waking up every fucking day, and wondering why i’m here.

I hate crying.
I hate being alone.
I hate this post, and I definitely hate all this whining.
I hate how this post is going to have me labeled as emo.

I hate how I talk too loud, or too much.
I hate how I compare myself to everyone, and force myself to believe i’m a thousand times prettier than them.
I hate this false security.
I hate lying to myself.

I REALLY HATE how I walk, and how someone points it out when I think i’ve fixed it.
I hate how there’s no way to fix it other than some surgery that’s gonna keep me in a wheelchair for months, and how i’ll have a large chunk of metal in my leg for the rest of my life.

I hate how my Mother had to do drugs.
And I hate how it fucked me up.
I hate how that seems incredibly selfish.
I hate the fact she’s dead.

I hate how my first real boyfriend made me feel like the ugliest thing in the world.
And I hate how my second made me feel unhappy. (even though he’s a really nice guy with lovely eyes.)

I hate how that one guy made me disgusted with sex.
I hate how I don’t feel like i’ll ever get over it.
I hate how he called me a thousand times afterward.
I hate how my Grandmother still adores him, and tries to make me talk to him, or go in and see him at work.

I hate living with my Grandparents because I know eventually they’ll die.
I’ll go someplace bad.
And be alone.
I hate how I don’t think I could make it without my Grandma.

I hate how I feel like an awful person all the time.
I hate how I’m always left out.
I hate how my RL “friends” don’t seem like they’d give a shit if I died.
…Except for Rachel.

I hate how I can’t trust anyone.
I hate how I think everyone has a motive.
I hate how I think everyone is lying to save my feelings.
I hate how i’m so damn paranoid.

This post makes me seem so unstable.
I hate how I kept everything so bottled up inside.
I hate how its being expressed through this.

…

[ Odd dream about Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And highschoolers. ]

Twistybot, my hosting service is being shut down.
I’m sad.

Well, here I come, Dreamhost!

I upgraded my RH account, so there you go.

[ Quizzes and more quizzes. ]

Well, I woke up one minute after Sean IMed me telling me he couldn’t sleep.

This proves our BFF-ness.

..except, I went back to sleep like two minutes later. ):

Sorry Seany.

I stayed home today. I’m sick.

Woo.

And i’m really hungry.

I hope my Grammie is doing okay.

I called Luca ’cause I wanted to check on him, and we had a quick, lovely coversation.
He got on Yahoo! and cheered me up and stuff.

He’s a special guy. ♥

I lovelovelove him.