Dreams of Mars

I am tired of striving so hard for so little. Because you’re never going to feel the way I want you to, and it hurts. Maybeee you did once upon a time, but not now. Or at least you won’t admit it. Or acknowledge it, even.

Something inside me broke last night, and I just wanted to stop trying to make this work, make it more than it is.

I can’t keep making this deeper than it is, to keep me alive, to keep me sane. And I’m not entirely mentally healthy.

Oh, I  want an old movie.

I miss Daniel a hell of a lot right now. I had a nightmare about him.

I dunno what else to write about.

Have a picture of a bat:

So maybe he isn’t gone from my life, and no matter how hard I try, some of those feelings are still there, and I’ve said countless, ridiculous times, I think they always will be. I just don’t know how to feel at this point. We don’t have anything to talk about, really, so we make awful friends, but I don’t care much.

I don’t know how to feel about anything right now – its amazing how too much of a pill that is supposed to fix things ends up making you feel like crap because your doctor doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing.
No, I take that back – she does, just not for me.

…

I miss you so much in this moment.

And I know I’m having a hell of a time getting over you, and letting go, and truth is, I never expect either of these things to happen.

You just aren’t the man I fell in love with, not at all… And I want so badly just to  be with you, regardless – no, not even with you, just around you, at least be touched by you.

I know I can live without you, but now its setting in, and becoming more and more of a reality that you may not be in my life anymore.. and at first, I thought that would be fine, but I still feel like part of me needs you.

I just don’t know what to do, and I feel like there’s no way to get ahold of you now.

Did I fuck this up?

I don’t know how to feel.

Truth is, yes, I still like you… a lot.
Not only that but gosh, am I protective of you.
I don’t even know why, I just want you to always be happy or at least content.
Sigh.

And fml, I just want this other man to reciprocate.

…

I don’t have tons to say.
I go back to school tomorrow, I’m way too excited.

Here, have a song recommendation:

(Inside of You, In Spite Of You. I HATE the video, but Thoushaltnot is hard to find.)
The White Beyond is also awesome, too.

PS. RIP Daniel’s long hair.

It is the new year! and with it, a blog post to cleanse my soul and mind.

For the third time, I am trying to reset my sleep schedule through Concerta, which I take anyway for my ADHD. So I’m wide awake, because I laid in bed, and got to thinking about things, and decided to write them all down.

Towards the end of this year, and beginning somewhere around the summer, I decided that my career, my dreams are the most important thing in  my life, and I decided that noone will stand in my way (although I won’t walk over people) and no-one will take my freedom away. I am going to join the FBI, make a difference, and live in Scotland, just like I’ve always wanted.

I was talking to my grandfather last night, and I told him this, and how I love Kansas, and other states just don’t interest me, but other countries do. And he told me I hadn’t really been to any other states, and not to be so quick to say that.. and he’s right.. but I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than Scotland. I can’t.

Thomas stood me up for the second time, as in hanging out, and I’m done for now. Noone has stood me up and been that apathetic about it in a long time. And I won’t stand for it, I won’t be treated like that, no matter his excuse. I’m too good for it, for any of the shit he gives me.

I decided two days ago, I am going to apply to be a Playmate as soon as I feel the time is right. And I don’t see any shame in it, nothing wrong with it at all. I think Hugh Hefner is an awesome man. Call me crazy, but I think Playboy has earned women a lot of respect, especially when compared to smutty magazines.. because Playboy is about as classy as it gets, even if the women sometimes don’t have a lot going on their heads, to be blunt (I’m going off the few episodes of “The Girls Next Door” so feel free to call me out on that – but I love Holly.) Regardless, I think it would be so awesome.

On a completely unrelated note, I must admit, my music taste has changed drastically: from Manson, Nightwish and Slipknot to Chris Isaak, Genesis and Elton John. It feels weird, and I still listen to my “dark” music, but more often than not, Mr. Isaak is ringing in my ears.

I bought my first Duran Duran album today, although I’ve been a fan for four years now..? Something like that.
I feel like a better person, silly enough.  The Wedding Album. It is called that because it has no real title, but the cover has pictures of all the band members’ parents at their wedding!
Truth be told, Medazzaland is my favorite album, but it wasn’t in stock, so I took what I could get. (Come Undone is the best song on TWA, to me and one of my favorite DD songs).

I also went through my DeviantART today, and deleted some really old, dumb poetry I wrote when I thought Luca wasn’t in love with me. It felt nice, but sad at the same time, though it was really crappy poetry. I strive so hard to keep that friendship alive, even if I don’t love him romantically anymore just because he is such a huge part of me. We don’t talk about anything of importance, but I like knowing we’re friends and that we’ve got each other. I never really cut ties.

And I can’t think of anything else.

I have nowhere to go… in the sense that there is no release for me now… DoM is down, so I’m a little lost. I’m listening to Amanda Palmer. I was listening to Bif Naked earlier, and will probably go back to that at some point.

After Awhile © Bif Naked

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mum’s death, I am not sure how I am going to handle that, probably just treat it as another day, s’what I usually do.
Today is slow, rather tedious, I don’t like it.

I need to read my new Christopher Pike book, I abandoned V.C. Andrews a few days ago.

November was an awful month for me, because as I’d expected… I fell very, very hard for this man, and I don’t think he reciprocated.. Regardless, he leaves me with no feelings of guilt or regret, and even if I never speak to him again, these memories will always be held deep inside albeit painful they may be.. because this man I’ve adored for so long was there, and I touched him, and that was enough.

Thank God we can come to terms with that. This pain was unbearable… I wanted so badly to just be gone, but I can never lose that last shred of hope, and how tightly I cling to it. I relapsed that week, hard. I guess I better re-embrace that lifestyle, because it brings me some comfort, and how I did miss the sight of my own blood.

My stomach is filled with the heaviest dread, the thickest worry. It is a cloud hovering over me, suffocating and no, try as I may, I can not shake it.

So, life is good, I rarely post in here – or anywhere, for that matter, but regardless, I have a few Facebook notes to import later on.

I had a Halloween party and it went spectacularly. I was a bat, a costume I’d been wanting about three or four years now. I meant to be Poison Ivy, but the dress ended up looking like a curtain on me. Arkham Asylum Ivy will probably be my choice for next year’s. Anyway, we ate cupcakes, pizza and of course candy, watched Feast, an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and The Ring.

Recently, I’ve started talking to a guy, and he’s really freaking awesome. (And I’m not just saying that because I intend to have him read this!) But really, he brightens up my e-life (and probably RL, truth be told), and we click pretty damn well, which is a rare occurrence for me. Just wanted to give him a quick shout-out!

I don’t know that I have much else to say other than the “boyfriend” that is scattered through out the first page or so of this blog and I have dissolved our relationship and I am in the process of deliberately destroying the friendship. I hope to never, ever get with a boy like that again, because abuse that is disguised is the worst kind there is.

I want to cleanse Mars of him, because he has tainted what used to save my sanity.

Consider this your baptism.
(Free of all religous context, of course.
…though I do wonder if that even makes sense?
Well, it does in my vocab!)

And I’m out!