All I ever wanted was to never leave this bed.
I have nowhere to go… in the sense that there is no release for me now… DoM is down, so I’m a little lost. I’m listening to Amanda Palmer. I was listening to Bif Naked earlier, and will probably go back to that at some point.
And, I must confess to you.
I am hardest on myself.
All I ever wanted was to try to do my best.
And I want tell the truth now.
I am unwell.
After awhile, I just lay down.
After awhile, my chin ain’t up.
Bare-knuckle fighter in the third round.
After awhile, it’s all bad luck.
Save me. Save me from myself.
Drowning in the wishing well.
I will try to rise above.
I am never good enough.
I want you to know that I needed time alone.
Don’t you try to tell me that you really didn’t know.
All I ever wanted was to never leave this bed.
And I want to tell the truth – my smile is just pretend.
After awhile, I got sleepy.
After awhile, safety lasted.
After awhile, disenchanted.
After awhile, I just fasted.
After awhile, I just lay down.
After awhile, my chin ain’t up.
Bare-knuckle fighter in the third round.
After awhile, it’s all bad luck.
I’m no good for you.
After Awhile © Bif Naked
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mum’s death, I am not sure how I am going to handle that, probably just treat it as another day, s’what I usually do.
Today is slow, rather tedious, I don’t like it.
I need to read my new Christopher Pike book, I abandoned V.C. Andrews a few days ago.
November was an awful month for me, because as I’d expected… I fell very, very hard for this man, and I don’t think he reciprocated.. Regardless, he leaves me with no feelings of guilt or regret, and even if I never speak to him again, these memories will always be held deep inside albeit painful they may be.. because this man I’ve adored for so long was there, and I touched him, and that was enough.
Thank God we can come to terms with that. This pain was unbearable… I wanted so badly to just be gone, but I can never lose that last shred of hope, and how tightly I cling to it. I relapsed that week, hard. I guess I better re-embrace that lifestyle, because it brings me some comfort, and how I did miss the sight of my own blood.