I don’t have tons to say.
I go back to school tomorrow, I’m way too excited.
Here, have a song recommendation:
(Inside of You, In Spite Of You. I HATE the video, but Thoushaltnot is hard to find.)
The White Beyond is also awesome, too.
PS. RIP Daniel’s long hair. 
It is the new year! and with it, a blog post to cleanse my soul and mind.
For the third time, I am trying to reset my sleep schedule through Concerta, which I take anyway for my ADHD. So I’m wide awake, because I laid in bed, and got to thinking about things, and decided to write them all down.
Towards the end of this year, and beginning somewhere around the summer, I decided that my career, my dreams are the most important thing in my life, and I decided that noone will stand in my way (although I won’t walk over people) and no-one will take my freedom away. I am going to join the FBI, make a difference, and live in Scotland, just like I’ve always wanted.
I was talking to my grandfather last night, and I told him this, and how I love Kansas, and other states just don’t interest me, but other countries do. And he told me I hadn’t really been to any other states, and not to be so quick to say that.. and he’s right.. but I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than Scotland. I can’t.
Thomas stood me up for the second time, as in hanging out, and I’m done for now. Noone has stood me up and been that apathetic about it in a long time. And I won’t stand for it, I won’t be treated like that, no matter his excuse. I’m too good for it, for any of the shit he gives me.
I decided two days ago, I am going to apply to be a Playmate as soon as I feel the time is right. And I don’t see any shame in it, nothing wrong with it at all. I think Hugh Hefner is an awesome man. Call me crazy, but I think Playboy has earned women a lot of respect, especially when compared to smutty magazines.. because Playboy is about as classy as it gets, even if the women sometimes don’t have a lot going on their heads, to be blunt (I’m going off the few episodes of “The Girls Next Door” so feel free to call me out on that – but I love Holly.) Regardless, I think it would be so awesome.
On a completely unrelated note, I must admit, my music taste has changed drastically: from Manson, Nightwish and Slipknot to Chris Isaak, Genesis and Elton John. It feels weird, and I still listen to my “dark” music, but more often than not, Mr. Isaak is ringing in my ears.
I bought my first Duran Duran album today, although I’ve been a fan for four years now..? Something like that.
I feel like a better person, silly enough. The Wedding Album. It is called that because it has no real title, but the cover has pictures of all the band members’ parents at their wedding! 
Truth be told, Medazzaland is my favorite album, but it wasn’t in stock, so I took what I could get. (Come Undone is the best song on TWA, to me and one of my favorite DD songs).
I also went through my DeviantART today, and deleted some really old, dumb poetry I wrote when I thought Luca wasn’t in love with me. It felt nice, but sad at the same time, though it was really crappy poetry. I strive so hard to keep that friendship alive, even if I don’t love him romantically anymore just because he is such a huge part of me. We don’t talk about anything of importance, but I like knowing we’re friends and that we’ve got each other. I never really cut ties.
And I can’t think of anything else. 
- Change this nature of mine, and deal with my anger better.
- Eat less meat, adapt to a healthier diet.
- Rid myself of all hygiene products that aren’t vegan and cruelty-free.
- When someone recommends something, try it.
- Actively take steps to begin practicing Hellenic Reconstructionism.
- Everytime I think of him, I am to breathe deep and exhale, cleansing my mind of him.
- Let go of my bitterness for everyone, realize that people make mistakes, and no-one means to be a bad person.
- Have much, much more patience with this little blue bird who apparently really likes The Police.
- Spend more time with Chandler, take more pictures of her.
- Open myself up to this new love of mine, and accept whatever happens, happens.
I have nowhere to go… in the sense that there is no release for me now… DoM is down, so I’m a little lost. I’m listening to Amanda Palmer. I was listening to Bif Naked earlier, and will probably go back to that at some point.
After Awhile © Bif Naked
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mum’s death, I am not sure how I am going to handle that, probably just treat it as another day, s’what I usually do.
Today is slow, rather tedious, I don’t like it.
I need to read my new Christopher Pike book, I abandoned V.C. Andrews a few days ago.
November was an awful month for me, because as I’d expected… I fell very, very hard for this man, and I don’t think he reciprocated.. Regardless, he leaves me with no feelings of guilt or regret, and even if I never speak to him again, these memories will always be held deep inside albeit painful they may be.. because this man I’ve adored for so long was there, and I touched him, and that was enough.
Thank God we can come to terms with that. This pain was unbearable… I wanted so badly to just be gone, but I can never lose that last shred of hope, and how tightly I cling to it. I relapsed that week, hard. I guess I better re-embrace that lifestyle, because it brings me some comfort, and how I did miss the sight of my own blood.
My stomach is filled with the heaviest dread, the thickest worry. It is a cloud hovering over me, suffocating and no, try as I may, I can not shake it.
So, life is good, I rarely post in here – or anywhere, for that matter, but regardless, I have a few Facebook notes to import later on.
I had a Halloween party and it went spectacularly. I was a bat, a costume I’d been wanting about three or four years now. I meant to be Poison Ivy, but the dress ended up looking like a curtain on me. Arkham Asylum Ivy will probably be my choice for next year’s. Anyway, we ate cupcakes, pizza and of course candy, watched Feast, an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and The Ring.
Recently, I’ve started talking to a guy, and he’s really freaking awesome. (And I’m not just saying that because I intend to have him read this!) But really, he brightens up my e-life (and probably RL, truth be told), and we click pretty damn well, which is a rare occurrence for me. Just wanted to give him a quick shout-out! 
I don’t know that I have much else to say other than the “boyfriend” that is scattered through out the first page or so of this blog and I have dissolved our relationship and I am in the process of deliberately destroying the friendship. I hope to never, ever get with a boy like that again, because abuse that is disguised is the worst kind there is.
I want to cleanse Mars of him, because he has tainted what used to save my sanity.
Consider this your baptism.
(Free of all religous context, of course. 
…though I do wonder if that even makes sense?
Well, it does in my vocab!)
And I’m out! 
After reading one of the most painfully beautiful blog posts ever, and listening to Breaking Benjamin afterwards, I feel deeply inspired.
I must admit to you now that I feel tainted, and every thought of you makes me regret every minute we spent together. Because as I said earlier, “Abuse that is disguised is the worst kind there is.” I don’t know why I hate you so passionately, but I do. I really do.
I wish we’d never met – never dated. The only good that came of it was all material, and it shames me to say that, but its true.
Although I overcame my hatred of him, I don’t think I ever will for you, because I have no desire to mend things. The only thing holding me back from mending his and I’s friendship was Luca – but he forgot that in time, for rather licentious reasons.
Regardless, I still love Luca in my own way, and cliche – but I always will, and I’m okay with that.
Oh, how I wish I could fix the mess I have become.
I will never be mentally or emotionally healthy, this I know… but god, it hurts to have so many regrets… it hurts so much.. they drive me to the most dangerous of thoughts.
And yes, yes, all my dreams slip away from me – I never wanted to see my name in lights, or god forbid, a tabloid cover… but an indie film? a horror flick? God, how I wanted that.
I don’t know why I desire to be more than what I am so passionately, but I can’t help it.
My fascination with today’s cinema slips through my fingers (I haven’t seen many of these new films)…
My life spiraled out of control the day you told me we weren’t to be together, truth be told. I don’t know how to feel. I just know I don’t feel the same.
Save me, I ask of you time and time again.
…to be met with malice in the end.
They’re coming to take you away.
Everything I’ve planned on for the past year or so just came crumbling down. And that’s cool, that’s fine, its what happens when I plan my life with someone.
Its not like he hasn’t crushed my heart a thousand times. And once, has he apologized. I realize I am much too bitter about the pain he has caused me, but I can’t let it go, because he never gives me the chance.
I have come to the conclusion that I’m autosexual or a romanticist with men, and everything with women.
I like that, I like it a lot. And I always knew it would come to this, I’ve always known myself to be gaygaygay.
And I regret every time I’ve been with a male, I really do. I am disgusted with myself for it, and I wish I could forget every experience I’ve ever had.
On the other hand, when I see a ‘pretty’ boy, I want to touch him, and hug him, and tell him sweet things, but I don’t want to kiss him on the mouth, or have sex with him… I just want to love him.
Why is life so complicated?
Sometimes, I find a kindred soul in Tori Amos.
Yesterday, I recorded myself singing, and no, you may not hear.
But it sounded awful. And in my head, not like as in ego, but what -I- hear, I sound very damn good. Put it in a recording, and no, not so much. So this will be one of my many torture devices – to hear beautiful music in my head, but being unable to share it.
Last night, I seriously thought about taking my life for the first time in a very long time.
The knowledge that Erika and I would soon be together was the only thing that saved me. That and my love for my grandparents and Chandler.
I know why I thought about it, and it isn’t dramatic, it has nothing to do with anyone or really anything – its a very, very simple reason.
But I went upstairs, watched The X-Files, fell asleep, and here I am.
You’re so endearing, you’re so beautiful.
Well, I don’t look like they do, and I don’t love like they do..
But I don’t hate like they do.
Am I ever on your mind?